Wednesday, July 27, 2005
people expressing themselves, there are few things more off-putting
Here is one kind of adverts you will see on craigslist, it is the yelling psychopath type:
MUST BE SOLD IMMEDIATELY! COME AND BUY THIS OR I WILL HOLD YOUR FAMILY HOSTAGE AND BLACKMAIL YOUR AGED GRANDMOTHER! I CANNOT KEEP THIS COUCH ANOTHER DAY, IF YOU DON'T BUY IT NOW, YOUR WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD WILL SUFFER!
Then there are the stupid people who actually try to stop you buying their stuff, I think it is unintentional:
For sale, old chair, it is very chewed and the seat is broken, I have had it for ages, but it could be mended if you are a specialist carpenter, or maybe smashed up and turned into an art project.
The sad people:
For sale, really cool blokeish-type thing, I really like it still and will cry when you pick it up but my girlfriend said if I don't get rid of it to prove my love she will leave me, and I don't fancy my chances getting another one, girlfriend that is, the cool thing is completely irreplaceable, I used to be alright at picking up girls but then I put on a few pounds and lost my confidence, or maybe it is the way she is always yelling at me for no reason like that time I was two minutes late for the show after she smashed my watch that morning for asking her the time...
The disgustingly rich but also greedy people:
Entire lavish luxury deluxe-elite-clubclass Nathan Hawke living-room set, includes sofa, chair, coffee table and two side-cushions, beautiful "nondescript" colour hand-dyed linen picked by poor Chinese children, barely touched, we gave up smoking and killed out pets to keep it uncontaminated, cost $35,000, will sell for $34,975, tremendous bargain for you poor people who cannot afford stuff as nice as ours!
The desperate people, most of these are artists but some are selling marginally useful items:
ART! Huge great canvas the size of aircraft-hangar, decorated with three large stripes and one small one, took me all afternoon! $950
Ludicrous collection of cushions and old rags you do not want, all horrible colours, I got them wholesale and did a bit of needlework and in my opinion they are twice as good as what you get in "Bed, Bath and Beyond" so I am charging $250 for the collection!
Small table, one leg falling off, quite crap really, but my friend Dave the artist painted this really cool picture of a topless woman in a Viking helmet on the top, $25
And then the show-offs:
MOVING TO MANHATTAN! We cannot keep our precious IKEA bookcase anymore! The apartment is tiny, that's what it's like in New York, tiny apartments, but we are still better than you, are you not jealous, do you not wish that you too were MOVING TO MANHATTAN?
No thanks. I've seen Seinfeld. Who would want to live like that, in a completely grey broom-cupboard with your bicycle hanging on the wall and freakish hangers-on instead of friends? It even makes blood-relatives seem friendly and sane by comparison.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
mmm, that sounds appetising, not
No you would not, because they are all horrible radioactive candy sweet things, and they all have very unappealing names too.
Here are my suggestions for American candy factories to call their next range of products: dorks, bums, twits, fiascos, downers, tossers, blunders, morons, idiots, disasters, failures, car crashes, tsunamis (it is time the word tsunami was used more often, I have hardly heard it at all for at least the last week and a half).
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Did Frank Spencer himself organise this "bombing"?
I didn't even make those things up. If this is what is called "terrorism" these days, they may as well just hire one of those planes to pull a banner across the sky that says WE GIVE UP.
What next? Will they be scrumping apples out of the orchard? Writing rude messages on the walls of public toilets? Followed by walking into a police station and giving themselves up? It is beyond unbelievable, it is so embarrassing I think it is the end of terrorism. I will be surprised if any self-respecting terrorist can leave his home without wearing a paper bag over his head now, after this shameful debacle. And that would make it pretty obvious who to arrest.
You need a very stiff upper lip indeed not to fall about laughing at this one.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
people- they are not all bad, but it is a good idea to stay away in general
Noreen also mentions the issue of the language problem between Americans and people who speak normal English. I can attest that it is quite severe, the main problem is that Americans use the same words but for wrong things. If they were just French, at least you would know that the words were different from yours and someone needed to learn the other's language, but in American you just get confused without realising why. For instance, you go in a shop and ask for a vest, and spend half an hour being shown waistcoats instead, wondering if the assistant is mad. Or you say yes to a pie, and get a pizza, and think the waiter was terribly rude and not listening, and you storm out hungry. Or someone says do you want "half and half" when you order coffee, and then when it comes there is only a fraction of milk product and a vast majority of coffee in it, which is not what you were expecting. It goes on and on and on.
However, I will not write more on the subject yet, because I need to spend the rest of the day alienating people to reduce the risk of being invited to an evil black-tie satanic recruitment gathering. I cannot really explain how this is done, as it basically comes to me instinctively, but if you are looking for tips one of these might possibly help:
1. stop answering the phone or the doorbell,
2. ignore all birthdays and calendar festivals,
3. become an astronaut, then you can at least get a long way away if all else fails.
At all costs avoid doing anything stupid, annoying, pointless, irritating or aggressive. That is a fatal error, because people love all those things, as soon as you start they will just flock around you like flies around road kill on a hot day, and join in as loudly as they can. The next thing they will be declaring their allegiance to you and demanding at gunpoint that you tattoo their name on your forehead using their blood. Which I do not think would work very well, it would probably just look like a bruise and go away in a few days, but that is not the point, it is still a terrible idea and not something you want to get involved with. In the olden days you could pretend to go crazy and get locked up to escape from society, but these days the only purpose of madness is to get free drugs. Drugs may seem to help you cope with the awfulness of others, but they are actually only extending the problem and not solving it. Until you work out how to get away from people, your addiction to the drugs that enable your people-habit will only increase, until it becomes life-threatening in itself and your kidneys explode within your body. A large price to pay just for picking up the telephone.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
another movie to avoid
However, the reason it is not very good is nothing to do with the above. It is because "Team America" is obviously a parody of "Thunderbirds" and not only is "Thunderbirds" vastly better to start with, it is also a parody of itself at the same time as being itself, already. There is nothing clever about parodying "Thunderbirds". It requires as much cleverness to parody "Thunderbirds" as it does to kick a bunny rabbit. Especially if you take all the old Gerry Anderson shows, including "Stingray", "Captain Scarlet" and the one with the spinning boy at the beginning, it is far funnier than "Team America" and with better special effects. For instance, the old man in charge of the Thunderbird family, he is always telling them to go and risk their lives for no apparent reason just because it is necessary. They are not gung ho like the America team, they do not know why they are risking their lives at all, it is not even to stop terrorism or be patriotic, it is because their dad is a nutcase who set up a big island full of flash machines that fly and he wants to use them, and they do not have the courage to just say no. They do not ask, "Why do not the governments of the world save people instead of just our family?" or "Why do you not advertise these jobs and pay people to do them properly, instead of making your kids do everything dangerous while you sit at home watching?" If you have seen "Thunderbirds", the America team actually seem really intelligent by comparison, which is surely not the desired effect. At least they were asked if they wanted their own jobs.
Then in "Stingray" there is a song at the end, where the singing man sings "Maria, why don't you whisper the words I've been longing to hear?" which is funny, because the Marina character in the show cannot whisper any words of love to the Stingray hero she is in love with, because she is half-fish and cannot speak. She is dumb. She can only play the piano. Then there is Lady Penelope and Parker, they are extremely funny as Parker is a criminal alcoholic but you have to look out for that. So basically, it is not clever or funny of the writers of "Team America" to show us that puppets cannot have sex as they do not have genitals, merely obvious.
Do not bother with "Team America", just watch "Thunderbirds", it is a far more hilarious examination of ludicrously over-the-top misguided American do-goodery plus they have proper gadgets instead of just a computer. The fact that "Thunderbirds" failed to predict computers is one of the best things about it, and a parody that fails even to notice this is not worth its salt. Copious amounts of puppet-vomiting does not cover up the mistake.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
short men, they are suspicious
Anyway, short men, they are suspicious. Think of Tom Cruise, Danny Devito and Columbo. I know Columbo had a wheelchair, but it has the same effect, you are lower down than average while sitting in a wheelchair. Where I live there are an abnormally high number of short men, I asked someone why and they said it was because they are Hispanic. I do not know if this is true, or why Hispanic men would be shorter, but it is not just Hispanics anyway, it is men in general. However, the good news is that in an area with a high concentration of shortness they do not need to suffer from the main usual short problem, which is feeling inadequate and then having to make up for it by expanding horizontally, shouting loudly, or both.
But the bad news is, these approaches are well-known and therefore less threatening than the alternatives. One of these alternatives is becoming malignant, like the bad goblin in the film about all the elves, elephants, dwarves etc that everyone went nuts about last year. Such men pretend to be friendly munchkins while plotting your death when you're not looking. The other alternative is just to look malignant, which is why I said short men are suspicious. Obviously the main problem behind the whole thing is that short men cannot get girlfriends, because tall men get the short women and medium-to-tall women shun small men even if it means staying single forever, unless they are really rich or famous like David Bailey the photographer and a great example of a totally malignant short man. My best advice is that short men focus on ugly women, because, well, I do not know what else they can do really except get rich or famous. Getting rich or famous is a good idea though, if I were you I would focus on that.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Anyway, if you like your life already, why would you want to spend all year fantasising about your tiny little holiday in the middle of it? And if you would rather be in Spain, well move there, you only live once and if you do not move now, you will either regret it on your death bed or spend the next few years making up pathetic excuses and then finally giving up and becoming a zombie, both of which are terrible things to do. Of course, then there are all those people who do move to Spain etc, and they are mostly dreadful too, as you can tell from the TV shows called "Horrible people move to Spain" etc, they get there thinking they can have a nice lifestyle just funded by their egg-farm and then find out Spain has plenty of eggs already and egg-farming is a lot lot harder work than they expected, just because a place is sunny does not mean all you have to do is laze around all day drinking sangria and the eggs will just lay themselves then jump into egg-boxes and take themselves off to the market and sell themselves for twenty thousand euros apiece.
Then there are those people on the TV shows called "horrible people buy even more houses abroad", where the people are rich so they can buy two houses but then they can only go there for two weeks still because obviously if they lost their jobs they would no longer be rich. So they have to buy houses that can be rented, which means they end up making more money and still not being able to enjoy it by just moving to Spain like they think they want. This is because they do not really want to go there at all really, they just want to look like the kind of people who appreciate nice weather and can tell the difference between a home-grown lemon and one from a supermarket. Which is ridiculous, because there is no difference.
I seem to have got off the point of moaning about America in particular lately, but these people are everywhere. You think you can escape them, but you cannot. Americans like to go on holiday to a hut by a lake where they waterski and spend the evenings in a big fat restaurant eating giant-sized plates of french fries just as usual, but they do not seem to have many holidays, because the travelling distances are so great and saying you have to work is a good excuse for not going. Everyone else would probably do the same if they had to spend a week and a half in the car to get anywhere, because basically most people loathe holidays, they come back afterwards feeling desperate and exhausted because all it did was remind them how completely dreadful their normal life is, the only reason they went was because they were kidding themselves. Then they get back into their normal routine and it is easier than having to pass all that spare time they had on holiday, so they become grateful, and then they say "it's good to go away, but the best thing is coming home again!" They should just admit they hate holidays and stop going.
So, cancel your holiday, just move house instead. Egg-farming is not that much fun but at least it will make a change, and if you don't like that there is always running a bed and breakfast, in both cases you will be fighting off the film-crews but at least they will leave as soon as the weather gets really muddy in the autumn. They still have winter in nearly all hot places, and it is still cold and wet, and I don't know what people do then with their disillusionment when they discover this as it is not shown on TV, only the complaining about hard work in the hot part of the year when the film-crew is having a nice time watching them and spending the evenings drinking sangria. Which is fair enough, as "dull miserable winters of people abroad" would not make a very good TV show anyway.
Friday, July 15, 2005
showers give you cancer
Anyway, I am not surprised that showers are lethal, because personally I have always found baths much better and more relaxing. How can standing up be preferable to reclining in any situation where both works just as well for the main purpose (in this case, washing)? Also, you cannot slip on the soap, fall over and break your neck if you are already sitting or lying down. Also, shower heads always have some of their molecules blocked up by chalk deposits, and did you know that chalk is made of the crushed bone remnants of animals? That's right, they all died in one pile, got flattened down together by, I don't know, maybe a big rock out of the sky or something, and gradually turned into chalk. Similar to how people press flowers, only more disgusting. No wonder they block up the shower sprayer so that splutters of water always go the wrong way, usually right in your eye, and for some reason always freezing cold whatever the temperature of the rest of the water happens to be. The cumulative effect of all this stress is that your blood pressure goes up, your cholesterol level sky-rockets and you collapse from shock, slip on a bar of soap, break your neck and die. One way or another, it is just not worth it.
Have a nice bath instead. It will calm your nerves and make you easier for others to live with. But do not surround yourself with scented candles in the bath, it is morbid and makes you look like Ophelia, I am sure as soon as she was found floating in that swamp the evil scented-candle peddlars rushed up and started decorating the picturesque scene rather than trying emergency ressuccitation or anything. I hate the scented candle industry, it is definitely trying to take over the world, and scented candles are so utterly, totally useless that I am convinced they contain an evil mind-altering aroma that will bring about the end of civilisation, otherwise how can they possibly be explained? There are few shops left to go to now that do not have scented candles, I think you are safe in Blockbuster Video, but I cannot be absolutely sure. Perhaps someone could produce a wallet-sized checklist of candle-free zones for ordinary consumers to take with them as they shop. Scented candle is far more offensive than smoking, if shops just put big signs up with pictures of candles and a red line through them, they would definitely attract more customers.
Anyway, like I said, have a bath.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
animals that should not exist
Now, in Nature there are savage deadly creatures that you should not go too near to, but which I have no problem with existing. For instance, there are lions, you don't want to meet one in a dark alley, but if the zookeepers are doing their job this will not happen (although I think we could do without lions in zoos, children can barely tell the difference between a goat and an elephant anyway so why not just stick a few domesticated animals in the zoo and leave the big grand ones in the wild, instead of always saying "we treat them humanely these days, and give them lots of space to run around" which is clearly false otherwise they would have to be running around the whole place all over the customers and most likely killing them, because the whole zoo compared to a Great African Plain is about the size of a telephone box, to them).
But anyway, these animals have a purpose. Lions exist to remind us how pathetic and unstylish we are compared to them, if you tried putting one of those tartan dog-jackets on a lion it would tear you apart. Elephants exist to remind us we are tiny mean little creatures who don't bring our young up properly, elephant babies have elephant godmothers who actually help out with babysitting every day so the mother elephant can do things like make a cup of tea and go to the toilet. I am not sure if elephants have special toilet areas outside the camp, but I would not be surprised. Even snakes exist to expose how meagre our digestive systems are, snakes can swallow an entire goat in one piece, their middle then goes all goat-shaped. Then they take it easy for a few weeks while digesting the goat. Humans on the other hand cannot digest raw bones and sinew at all, which is why we should stop eating Macdonalds burgers.
So those were some examples of useful animals. But then there are the totally pointless ones, which anyone seeking evidence that God does not exist is missing their best argument here. Although they will still lose anyway because the whole point of God is being cleverer than humans, so any time you come up with an inexplicable, God would just say, "Exactly, you are dumber than me, I told you that already." Cockroaches, ants that bite, moths, pigeons. Those are the main four.
1. Cockroaches. The only possible purpose is to remind us not to nuke ourselves because we all know that if we do the cockroaches will take over the world, and given what nasty nasty creatures they are, this is likely to motivate us to make sure it never happens, because it's bad enough losing your entire civilisation but having those little meanies take over afterwards is just the icing on the cake, considering how hard we work to get rid of them. But I do not think this is enough justification, anyone who actually wants to reduce our planet to a fuming wasteland probably likes cockroaches already and has them for pets.
2. Ants that bite. These are totally unnecessary, as there are plenty of kinds of ant that do not bite which would be perfectly good enough to cover any inexplicable "ant" requirement. It helps the shoe industry to have tiny evil creatures that deter you from going barefoot, but that is just a coincidence.
3. Moths. Again, we have perfectly good butterflies that do not eat our clothes, so why the moths, which are brown and ugly and make holes in your sweaters? It helps the synthetic fibre industry because moths do not eat plastic, but that is another coincidence.
4. Pigeons. All these achieve is to help mad old ladies cause trouble by feeding them illegally, but that is not good enough compared to the trouble they cause. Pigeons eat all the smaller, more attractive and hygienic birds, they produce poisonous waste, they are disgusting and ugly, and they have no sense of social propriety and dont think twice about swooping low to steal your sandwich. They should be helping the gun industry, because governments should be encouraging us to shoot them, but this does not seem to be happening anyway.
I am sure there are more, but that is all for now.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
children, they are the opposite of trees, thankfully
So, children usually know more sensible stuff than adults, even though they know less stuff. But then, knowing lots of stuff is far more likely to be the hallmark of a totally stupid person than a person whose existence is worth it for the landfills of the planet, anyway. So the only important difference between children and adults is basically their height.
However, despite this not insignificant difference, children are still actually human beings. They are not:
1. small dogs, such as those horrible rat-like ones with the pink feather boa carrying-cases,
2. little cherub angels who should be worshipped and prayed to by all other humans but especially their parents, the head priest and priestess (adjust as necessary for families with two dads, one dad and a member of parliament, etc),
3. machines for supporting the evil practices of fast-food outlets by consuming everything crap they produce thus enabling them to make more of those cardboard burgers out of rain-forest-tree-pulp,
4. computers you can program from pre-birth by playing them tapes of IQ-enhancing music and the songs of extinct whales (which reminds me, when will people realise that IQ measurements are actually inverse to actual intelligence? do you want your foetus to grow up stupid? no, so stop trying to increase its IQ, it needs the time for basic meditation and observational study),
5. sacred symbols of world peace (since when was a small fat being covered in tinned spaghetti sauce and habitually accustomed to bashing other small fat things on the head with plastic hammers a symbol of world peace?)
6. toys, for dressing up like Barbie and Action Man then parading round the market square, you total utter idiots, what impression does this give of your parenting ability, that you are not merely still arranging fantasy clothing on the nearest diminutive figure available, but that you can't even tell the difference between a dolly and an alive homo sapiens?
7. point-scoring systems for competitions with your sister, next-door neighbour and all the other parents at the school gate, if your child got a hundred per cent in their maths test that is despite what you've been teaching it, not all down to you as if you were there in the room filling out the answers yourself, which in any case would be a pathetic "achievement" because you are an adult and you should have known what long-division is for about thirty years already,
8. retirement funds. If you think your long-suffering children or your spoilt nasty brats are going to give up work and look after you when you are dying of arthritis in your old age, then go and buy a great big cuckoo clock right now and move into it. They will have better things to do, such as, live their lives and bring up their own children according to their sworn vows never to do anything the way you did it because it was all completely wrong,
9. entertainment systems, designed to act charming and do little amusing dances (small-sized), or visit your house and sit there helping you whine about the weather (fully-grown size) and the new gutters and all the other boring rubbish you like diverting yourself with because your mind is so full of refuse there is no room for anything interesting up there anymore,
10. living dedicated tributes to you, the great creator who brought life to the world, and whose every action you therefore possess for evermore, and whose every failure is a personal affront to your in your benificent mightiness. You are confusing your role with that of Beelzebub. Your children did not ask to be born and definitely did not sell you their soul in return for agreeing to push them out of your uterus.
The way to treat children is the same way you would treat anybody else. Make them work for their money, do not give them a free ride, have a good laugh when they act ridiculous and leave them to their own devices as much of the time as possible. You would not tolerate an adult coming in your home, living in your spare bedroom for free, vandalising your walls with crayon and demanding french fries at all hours of the day and night, so do not tolerate it from any children either. If any children do visit your home, simply provide them with something to do that amuses them and produces hilarious results for everyone else, such as, making them bake "bread" or paint fifteenth-century style Flemish portraits of each other. Or dress them up as superheroes, only, do not buy special costumes for this purpose, just use some old sheets, j-cloths, sellotape etc, they will not be able to tell the difference and the results will be much more amusing for you.
Then parade them round the market square and whenever anyone stares in shock, stare right back at them and say, "What are you looking at? She made it herself, and she suffers from a severe learning disability! I will call the anti-discrimination police onto you!" Most children "suffer" from "learning disabilities" these days, so you will most likely be telling the truth even if you don't know it at the time. I am waiting for them to invent "crap parents disorder", or CPD, although that will snowball, with the parents being certified with their own CPD and drugged to the eyeballs next, right back up the family line, no old granny in a nursing home will be safe. Then again, these people are so full of nonsense already, it doesn't really make much difference.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Trees. They are sinister and scary. Standing there with their great arm-like branches, like enormous people staring over us only immovable and solid and made of wood, yet still somehow living. It is unnatural.
Chop them all down and make burgers out of them, I say. Why do we need trees for oxygen when we have grass, spider plants, rose bushes and all those other green things, lettuce for instance?
And to think that people actually hug them. Ugh.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
people who think they are going to be famous
Anyway if I ever meet another person like that, I will kill them. Then I will write a film about it, get Quentin Tarantino to direct, and call it "Kill Art".
Friday, July 08, 2005
travelling up its own arse-holey war, more like
1. They timed the bombs to coincide with the G8 summit. What is that supposed to mean? G8 and Live8 and everything else ending in 8 have nothing to do with Israel or Iraq or any kind of armed conflict whatsoever. Clearly the terrorists were just miffed about being ignored, and trying to get in on everything. They were annoyed that G8 was in the news and they were not, so they pretended to agree with Sir Lord Geldof only in a more carnage-motivated way. Well nobody is going to be fooled by that, it is obvious that murderous terrorists do not care about Africa at all, if they did then finding a cure for AIDS would be more useful than killing innocent people. So now they look like hypocrites as well as mass-murderers.
2. They stopped all London transport for a whole day. Do they not know (well, obviously they don't know, but still the utterly brain-boggling nature of their quantum mind-warpage forces me, a mere normal human, to ask the question, otherwise I could accidentally create a black hole right here in my own living-room), do they not know (see parentheses above) that stopping the whole of London transport for a day is exactly the kind of thing Londoners enjoy, in their heroic blitz-spirit kind of way, which they have been practising since forever, every time there is a train disaster or an hours-long wait in a tunnel or somesuch incident they practise it, they get all confident and calm and start chatting with each other, and the whole thing becomes a great big victory and makes them feel great inside, and has the exact opposite effect of scaring the hell out of them? This is a terrorist balls-up on a gargantuan scale. They got the whole of London sitting down with pints of beer in brave defiance. This is slightly the diametrical opposite of making them bow down to jihad.
3. They attacked their own side, by choosing areas with lots of Muslims to bomb in. How dumb is this! Now every British Muslim leader and his granny is saying they disagree with Al Qaeda (whatever that is, I think it is the worst club in the world by definition that anyone calling themselves a member gets to be one, which is just plain sad, they should work a little harder and then perhaps gain acceptance by the Rotarians instead, great plonkers) and if anyone in their mosque knows anything to tell the police. This is not exactly a result. Muslims are more scared of non-Muslims being rude to them in the street after these bombings than they are of the balloon-brains who did them.
Here is the terrorists' board-meeting when they were planning it all. Someone up front with a great flip-chart: "Right then everyone, the idea is, we make sure all the friends and neighbours see the carnage too, and then instead of sitting around outside cafes on the Edgware Road smoking great big hookahs all day, they will be really really impressed and maybe start a jihad army and then we can all storm parliament!" Or maybe, "The plan is, we let those- erm, us- Muslims know who is really in charge, which is of course ourselves in the Secret Islamic People's Front, and then they will give us smoke hookahs for free and maybe even free espresso coffees too! Well, those of us who aren't planning to get blown up too of course, sorry about that Ahmed, we will think of you as we tuck into our complimentary kebabs though, nice one, mate, respect!" Hasan pipes up from the back, "Can we make sure my mother is back from visiting her sister in Jordan to see it, because this could help with my campaign to get her to buy me a new car for my birthday?"
I ask you, how are normal Muslims supposed to figure out this is what they want? And if it's not this, then what exactly is it? Every normal Muslim in Britain is now walking around completely baffled. Even the ones who want to cow to terrorism don't know how to cow in this case. What a waste of time.
4. They made Ken Livingstone angry. Mr Ken has, rightly or wrongly, been doing everything he can to help the cause of everyone who hates the capitalist West ever since he got in charge of London. Even if most of it did apparently involve dance festivals rather than armed conflict.
Now, I am slightly worried about Mr Ken, because he seems to be taking the whole thing very personally, and I do not blame him either, what with him being the Mayor and everything, and calling him a Zionist is completely unfair, he has taken great pains to ensure that nobody mistakes him for a Zionist. He is so angry now, he even used the expression "mass-murderers" which as far as I recall he has never said before about anyone except President W. So that represents a big and possibly traumatic shift in his political thinking, he was almost in tears when he reminded us all that London is the greatest city in the world, as had been confirmed by the International Olympic Committee only the day before the mass murders. I do not know what Mr Ken will do in retaliation, whether he will step up the dance festivals or not, but I am quite sure he is not friends anymore with the people who ruined his great big Olympic party in Trafalgar Square, and I do not see how this can do them any good.
There is undoubtedly even more evidence that the bombers are utter total failures, but going through it all is like counting the grains of sand on a beach, it is depressing that anyone should feel they have to do it in the first place. So that's enough for now.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
another jogging update, please may this be the last one, I am heartily sick of the whole issue
So, there is a big storm. We are driving home, watching cardboard boxes flying past the windows and rivers rushing down the streets, and what should I see ambling along the sidewalk as if everything was completely normal and not at all exciting or fun at all? Waterfalls running off their heads and down their shirts, feet kicking up giant flowing streams, tree-branches whirling around in their faces, and they didn't notice a thing, just kept going.
That's right. Joggers. In their shorts and t-shirts, all sporty-looking, jogging along as per normal. I am beginning to think they are actually the Living Dead, like in Buffy (well it is quite like Buffy round here, it is an American town) only disguised as humans.
Mind you, this evening's pointy-walkers, who I spotted on the way out before the storm, were transformed by the weather entirely on the way back. They had become joggers instead. So at least I have now discovered the way to turn pointy-walkers into joggers, which is to point a great big hosepipe at them and make them run away, even though the downside is the other discovery, that joggers are actually zombies upon whom no amount of physical distress has any visible effect.
Now I have to find out how to defend myself against zombies in case they become threatening. Can't remember if stakes through the heart work or not.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
there are even special fridges for your own personal beer keg, oh yes
You are not supposed to drink until you are aged about thirty-seven, so that just means as soon as they are legal everyone spends the rest of their lives making up for all the lost drinking years. On the other hand, plenty of young people drink illegally, but then that presents the problem of finding a hiding place, which means driving off in the car somewhere, well if you are already illegal what difference does it make to add a few extra crimes on top of that, such as murder while under the influence of a crazed authoritarian legal system. Admittedly I have not seen many drunk driving deaths around the place, all the extra space on the roads probably helps somewhat, but there was a deceased armadillo by the side of the road today, no doubt the victim of some crazed nineteen-year-old pondering so deeply on the bizarre contradictoriness of American law that he forgot to swerve into a ditch and save the wildlife.
Then there are all those appalling "jock" people, which means male college students who drink too much so they can go around being violent, stupid and annoying, and wearing tartan shorts. They do this until they reach middle age, because American college degrees take literally decades to complete, and usually people like to acquire three or four before finally getting to grips with real life and paying back some of the money, whereupon they usually either run for government office, or open a pizza shop.
Do not imagine I am only talking about redneck places with lots of "liquor" shops, New York and California are the hardest drinking places of all, they just don't want you to know that. Everyone in California is at an all-day-long film discussion meeting in some flash restaurant, or celebrating the fact they escaped from that kind of meeting, so they drink like fish. And in New York, the women especially are great big powerful kick-boxing types who can down fifteen vodkas on the trot without a burp. Then they go outside and chain-smoke five cigarettes in the snow. Then they spend the rest of the night trying to get a taxi home because there's nowhere to park and they don't want to go on the subway and risk sitting next to a Chilean.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
the end of the world would be too good for them
"Oh! I wasn't expecting to see you here!" they would say, "I didn't think you could afford a leakproof enough bunker on your salary, ours is all decorated with the latest wallpaper you know," and then they would run over and stab you and steal whatever cup-a-soups you had left underground and move on to the next survivor.
Horrible people, I hate them, they never stop until they have ground your brain into dust, I am tempted to become a born-again Christian just so the Lord can wreak His terrible Vengeance upon Mine Enemies, because quite honestly that is the level of help one would require, trying to do it on your own is just too big of a job. (I am not talking about hell, this world is where we need justice, people can't cause any more trouble once they are dead anyway). Still, I probably have a few decades left, maybe I will come up with something.
Monday, July 04, 2005
another movie to avoid
I was just watching "Braveheart" starring Mel Gibson, and after his new wife is bashed, nearly raped, dragged across the mud then tied to a post and has her throat cut in the public square, when Mel finally turns up for revenge he kills the evil English fellow with a distinct look of regret upon his face! This is sheer utter pathetic gayishness. The man abused and murdered his new wife! She may not have been that pretty, but she had a better Scottish accent than most of the cast! And she knew how to jump on a horse fast! Mel should have been absolutely relishing the opportunity to polish off the bad guy in this case!!! He might at least have punched him in the face, but no, it has to be all about how he regrets this terrible descent into violence, but he was forced into it, it was his inheritance, and rhubarbrhubarbrhubarb.
If you have seen this movie, you may not have noticed all that from this particular single look in Mel's eye yourself, but take my word for it, the entire attitude to violence of that film is just typical of the modern regretful pansy-like way people regard bloody death these days, and it is not normal.
Anyway I have not seen the rest of the movie yet because I thought I was going to throw up after all that, but I hope when I do Mel becomes more violent, because of course it was evil for a bunch of foreigners to pillage and oppress the innocent little sack-wearing peoples of Middle Earth with the confused-sounding voices, they were just going about their business eating mud and dancing jigs, and they are entitled to a gruesome and gleeful revenge. Not that any of it is necessarily connected with actual history.
maybe the war of independence should have been a rap competition
I will be celebrating by staying indoors drinking beer, there is no point in going to see fireworks displays, when you have seen one firework you have seen them all. It is excruciating the way people go "Oooh!" and "Ahhh!" as if they were in ancient China and fireworks had only just been invented, who are they think they are kidding? They have all seen fireworks before hundreds of times, and anyway nobody would be impressed it was their first time, even if it was. Which it is not. Now, if they shot clapped-out old popstars into the sky on top of the fireworks, that would be worth watching.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
no, I would rather turn it down, or possibly off altogether
However, none of this alters the fact that the TV here is abominable. As soon as you switch it on, it is like someone broke into your home and started bashing you over the head with a crate of beer bottles while wearing a polyester jumper and a pair of slacks from Sears Roebuck. And that is just the cookery channel. There is this cookery show with this man called Ameril or Amoxycillin or some other name that sounds like a medicine, and he shouts at the audience constantly about "pump it up!" or "turn it up!" or something and every time he does this they all scream. And all he means really is that he is about to add a little seasoning to the chicken marinade, or he is pouring cream into the pudding sauce, or even sometimes that he is using the food-blender. There is no need for all this overexcited nonsense, it is just recipes.
I like nice food, but this man is enough to put you off cooking ever again. You could be happily assembling some nice fish pie or whatever in your kitchen and then involuntarily think the words "switch it up!" and then end up using far too much salt and pepper. I think Mr Clarityn is involved in a secret plan to brainwash everyone into ruining all their own cooking so they spend more money in fast-food restaurants. There must be some reason why Macdonalds is still making money, it certainly is not because their food is edible in any way.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
no I didn't plan this, it is all made up on the spur of the moment
1. my brain would be so empty I would never have anything to blog in the first place, and
2. I would not have just spent the last several minutes publishing about seventeen different versions of the mission statement and description of my personality at the top and sides of this dumb blog until finally realising it is time to take a break before I become one of the terrible sad living-dead-type people I hate.
swearing is neither clever nor not clever, it is just everyday anglo-saxon
However I do have a very big problem with people who try and persuade me I should do more swearing, or who assume I must hate all swearing just because I cannot be bothered to do it myself. I also cannot be bothered to build roads or run sewage plants, but I am perfectly happy for other people to do those things. In fact I just lost interest in swearing, and anyway there are plenty of other far more effective ways to alienate everyone you know and I am expert at all of those, fortunately, because I do not like human beings very much and generally prefer it if they ignore me unless they are my immediate family or shopkeeper.
Also, I would rather do most of the swear words than refer to them constantly. That's the other thing about swearing, why are words referring to everyday human life considered obscene anyway (as you probably do not know, "obscene" means "behind the scenes" and comes from ancient Greek drama, where anything disgusting would occur offstage, whereas nowadays we actually have to see the face of Tom Cruise), these words are not obscene, in fact calling someone an obscene name is probably giving them an unwitting compliment most of the time.
Even talking about swearing is boring though, so end of subject.
go ahead, stick your head down the lavatory then, if that's really how you like to rinse off conditioner
When you are sitting on a lavatory, you are not "resting". We all know what you are actually doing, there is no need for me to spell it out, and it is not resting.
Nor are you having a bath or a wash. A "bathroom" is a room with a bath in it. A "washroom" is for washing. When you are sitting on a lavatory, you are not washing. Would you like to stick your hands in a urinal and give them a good rinse? Well actually if you are a routine user of blogs, maybe you are the sort of person who would, I do not know, but I was not talking about you I was talking about average Americans, and average Americans are terrified of toilets and would certainly not mistake a toilet for a bath, which is why they obsess about spraying their toilets with enough disgusting chemicals to kill a whole Vietnamese village just to make sure nobody can tell anyone did anything in them, as if the chemicals don't smell worse than faeces anyway.
Nor is it, or has it ever been, gramatically possible, in any universe, for a household child or dog to "go to the bathroom on the living room floor". I should not have to explain this to anyone with more English than the average illegal Hispanic immigrant. There are basic laws of physics, and they include the impossibility of a room being in two places at once, and if Americans cannot understand that then there really is no hope for them at all.
Unfortunately, even the words "lavatory" and "toilet" actually mean "washing room" and "washing", so I cannot claim that Americans started all this eupehmistic nonsense, but they are certainly taking it to the usual ludicrous extremes. What next, "I am just going to the bedroom for a wee in the closet?" "Excuse me sir, where is the sacred ritual bath area, that quadruple burger meal I just had is causing my guts to brew alarmingly fast?" It is disturbing to contemplate what effect all this will have on people's ability to grasp simple factual concepts in the future. The whole language could entirely collapse, leaving us barking and grunting at each other like neanderthals. I suppose it is politically incorrect now to be implicitly rude about neanderthals. I will probably be arrested for a hate-crime. If you think Europeans have a monopoly on that sort of thing, think again, America is the home of everything modern and bad. That's one of the things I actually like about it here.
no I don't want your comments, thank you very much, go away and lick a wall
1. so you can make idiots of yourselves which could occasionally amuse me, and
2. because I don't believe in restricting comments on blogs. It only turns people into serial killers trying to track you down via your ESP identity number and then camping outside your front door going through your rubbish trying to find something incriminating against you so they can get you sacked from your job. Well, I don't have a job, so there, I am landed gentry, stick that in your cripplingly expensive European filter-tipped cigarette and then you won't be able to smoke it anyway because it will have crumbled to dust in the process.
IKEA successfully brainwashes America
Even in the cheapest supermarkets here, there is an old or mentally disabled person packing your shopping for you in case you waste any of those precious coca-cola-and-large-fries-please calories actually picking up your own bag of potato chips and putting them into a plastic bag. But at IKEA you have to wrap up all your own candlestick holders and rattan fruit-bowls in giant pieces of paper then put them in bags yourself such that they will not all crash together on the long drive home and become destroyed even sooner than IKEA purchases destroy themselves already.
Not only that, but you probably have to drive home about seven hundred miles, because this place is so big, which makes crossing London to Brent Cross in only two hours look quite ninnyish by comparison. And of course, the Americans must subject themselves to the IKEA shopping maze to buy their TURD footstools and BOLLUKS children's wardrobes shaped like giant toadstools in the first place, which is also against their national character, not being allowed to know where the EXIT or the RESTROOM (toilet, yes I will complain about American toilet names in a future post) is, IKEA even makes Americans buy duvets and proper espresso makers, which is extroardinary because their bed-making knowledge is stuck in the last century and to get a decent coffee you normally have to go to Starbucks which I refuse because their coffee is too cold, and I don't know which I hate the most, cold coffee or coffee that comes in a cup that says WARNING! THE DECLICIOUS BEVERAGE OF WHICH YOU ARE ABOUT TO IMBIBE IS RATHER HOT AND COULD BE DANGEROUS AND IF YOU TRY TO SUE US ABOUT THAT WE (PROBABLY) WILL WIN BECAUSE WE ARE BIGGER THAN YOU! BUT JUST TO MAKE SURE.
On having to construct your own furniture however, there is no problem, because Americans are terminally bored and have huge garages with thousands of power-tools and are desperate for something else to do with them than installing a new hot tub because they did that last week already.
Otherwise though, IKEA is all set to change their national character because not only are Americans falling for all the being herded around like proles and told what to do and made to do it themselves IKEA authoritarianism, they are lapping it up with new stores opening all the time.
Monday is the 4th of July which is their biggest holiday. Could this be the first year Americans spend Independence Day shuffling round a Swedish chipboard furniture company sale, pausing only for Scandinavian meatballs and pickled herring, instead of in the garden barbecuing whole cows and shooting off illegal fireworks as usual? I would say yes. They are slowly catching up with the rest of the world, which is reassuring, anyway.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Anyway, jogging crushes your kneecaps together and makes them crack and splinter, and as everyone already needs false hips when they get old, requiring false knees also seems to be pushing it further than necessary, especially in a country with no free healthcare except for people so poor they may as well be dead already anyhow. I suppose the joggers are all lawyers or trainee lawyers, as those people have so much money they can throw it away on healthcare just for a laugh. "Oh, I felt a slight twinge in my left nostril yesterday, so I went to see my personal nasologist in the specialist nasology headquarters." I am sure the doctors can't wait for them to leave so they can just shake their heads at the stupidity of mankind especially lawyers, then count their money gleefully.
However. There are still people jogging in America. One can see them every day, tottering along the street, sweaty grimaces on their faces, no doubt signifying barely-concealed anguish at what utter and total fools they look, and I do not think anybody really knows the reason why.
It is not because they need to lose weight. They are all young thin people already. Surely today's modern youth cannot be so desperately bored that bouncing along in a public place wilfully destroying your own kneecaps by bashing them on the concrete sidewalks is now the most exciting activity available?
Anyway, they offend me. So here is my solution.
Americans have guns. Why do they not simply threaten to shoot the joggers? That would probably stop them without the need for any actual carnage. Not to mention that a minor bullet wound could well prove less damaging long-term post-surgery than the effects of repeated and sustained jogging on the person's skeletal frame. I think you will agree this is a good point. But I do not wish to know either way. If it was not a good point, then why would I have bothered making it?
More things you can do that are better than reading blogs
2. drying paint with a home-made paper fan
3. licking the paint back off the walls again
4. chewing your own toenails off
5. painting your toenails with those ridiculous elaborate patterns so small only fairies and people with magnifying glasses can actually see them
6. reading books, and that is serious because books are horrible
7. that is enough, now go and do one of them, I have had enough of this.