Thursday, July 14, 2005


animals that should not exist

I am not the world's biggest fan of Nature, although, in my latest years, I have come to appreciate it somewhat, because at least when Nature causes trouble it doesn't mean to, because it has no real brains to speak of, whereas Humans can be real bastards, and I am not talking about politics and world peace here, I hate politics and world peace, they are for people whose personal lives are so dull they have to pretend to care about people they do not know instead. I am talking about ordinary evil people such as next-door neighbours, aged relatives etc, those are the really dangerous ones because one minute they are lending you a cup of sugar and the next they are standing over you with a giant burning pitchfork trying to extract your soul through one of your ears. Compared to humans, Nature is not as bad, which is why I generally prefer sitting in the garden rather than making small talk with idiots down the pub, despite the trees.

Now, in Nature there are savage deadly creatures that you should not go too near to, but which I have no problem with existing. For instance, there are lions, you don't want to meet one in a dark alley, but if the zookeepers are doing their job this will not happen (although I think we could do without lions in zoos, children can barely tell the difference between a goat and an elephant anyway so why not just stick a few domesticated animals in the zoo and leave the big grand ones in the wild, instead of always saying "we treat them humanely these days, and give them lots of space to run around" which is clearly false otherwise they would have to be running around the whole place all over the customers and most likely killing them, because the whole zoo compared to a Great African Plain is about the size of a telephone box, to them).

But anyway, these animals have a purpose. Lions exist to remind us how pathetic and unstylish we are compared to them, if you tried putting one of those tartan dog-jackets on a lion it would tear you apart. Elephants exist to remind us we are tiny mean little creatures who don't bring our young up properly, elephant babies have elephant godmothers who actually help out with babysitting every day so the mother elephant can do things like make a cup of tea and go to the toilet. I am not sure if elephants have special toilet areas outside the camp, but I would not be surprised. Even snakes exist to expose how meagre our digestive systems are, snakes can swallow an entire goat in one piece, their middle then goes all goat-shaped. Then they take it easy for a few weeks while digesting the goat. Humans on the other hand cannot digest raw bones and sinew at all, which is why we should stop eating Macdonalds burgers.

So those were some examples of useful animals. But then there are the totally pointless ones, which anyone seeking evidence that God does not exist is missing their best argument here. Although they will still lose anyway because the whole point of God is being cleverer than humans, so any time you come up with an inexplicable, God would just say, "Exactly, you are dumber than me, I told you that already." Cockroaches, ants that bite, moths, pigeons. Those are the main four.

1. Cockroaches. The only possible purpose is to remind us not to nuke ourselves because we all know that if we do the cockroaches will take over the world, and given what nasty nasty creatures they are, this is likely to motivate us to make sure it never happens, because it's bad enough losing your entire civilisation but having those little meanies take over afterwards is just the icing on the cake, considering how hard we work to get rid of them. But I do not think this is enough justification, anyone who actually wants to reduce our planet to a fuming wasteland probably likes cockroaches already and has them for pets.

2. Ants that bite. These are totally unnecessary, as there are plenty of kinds of ant that do not bite which would be perfectly good enough to cover any inexplicable "ant" requirement. It helps the shoe industry to have tiny evil creatures that deter you from going barefoot, but that is just a coincidence.

3. Moths. Again, we have perfectly good butterflies that do not eat our clothes, so why the moths, which are brown and ugly and make holes in your sweaters? It helps the synthetic fibre industry because moths do not eat plastic, but that is another coincidence.

4. Pigeons. All these achieve is to help mad old ladies cause trouble by feeding them illegally, but that is not good enough compared to the trouble they cause. Pigeons eat all the smaller, more attractive and hygienic birds, they produce poisonous waste, they are disgusting and ugly, and they have no sense of social propriety and dont think twice about swooping low to steal your sandwich. They should be helping the gun industry, because governments should be encouraging us to shoot them, but this does not seem to be happening anyway.

I am sure there are more, but that is all for now.


You bring up some good points, especially about zoos.. I'd abolish the whole lot of them in a minute if I could. Not because I'm some PETA purist either. I just think one should earn their pleasures so they appreciate them . Forget about strolling along watching animals from safely outside their cages as you suck down cokes and cigarettes.. and no cruising through 'adventure' parks in your air conditioned car either. I say lets create some reserves filled with all manner of animals from the wild places of the world.. cute and ugly, friendly and mean, poisonous and non-poisonous.. even the really unattractive germs and parasites.. Then we charge an outragously high entrance fee (too make it seem really, REALLY exclusive) and we strip the patrons down to a loin cloth, shove them in the fenced compound, lock the gate and point them toward the exit gate 25 miles away... If they make it to that gate, they'll come away with a new appreciation for God's creatures I God-damn Gaur-an-tee it...
Ok..ok.. I guess since we got stuck with big brains instead of big claws or big teeth, the clients can take one swiss army knife in with them.. but anything else they'll have to fabricate from materials they find in the wild... Now this could turn into a real 'Survivor' series..
cockroaches are an incentive to keep your apartment clean, i imagine.
You should come and work for us. We fire the beastly little devils out of a gas gun at by-pass fan blades to see if they’ll break. The fan blades, not the mammals, they always break.
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