Wednesday, July 13, 2005
children, they are the opposite of trees, thankfully
So, children usually know more sensible stuff than adults, even though they know less stuff. But then, knowing lots of stuff is far more likely to be the hallmark of a totally stupid person than a person whose existence is worth it for the landfills of the planet, anyway. So the only important difference between children and adults is basically their height.
However, despite this not insignificant difference, children are still actually human beings. They are not:
1. small dogs, such as those horrible rat-like ones with the pink feather boa carrying-cases,
2. little cherub angels who should be worshipped and prayed to by all other humans but especially their parents, the head priest and priestess (adjust as necessary for families with two dads, one dad and a member of parliament, etc),
3. machines for supporting the evil practices of fast-food outlets by consuming everything crap they produce thus enabling them to make more of those cardboard burgers out of rain-forest-tree-pulp,
4. computers you can program from pre-birth by playing them tapes of IQ-enhancing music and the songs of extinct whales (which reminds me, when will people realise that IQ measurements are actually inverse to actual intelligence? do you want your foetus to grow up stupid? no, so stop trying to increase its IQ, it needs the time for basic meditation and observational study),
5. sacred symbols of world peace (since when was a small fat being covered in tinned spaghetti sauce and habitually accustomed to bashing other small fat things on the head with plastic hammers a symbol of world peace?)
6. toys, for dressing up like Barbie and Action Man then parading round the market square, you total utter idiots, what impression does this give of your parenting ability, that you are not merely still arranging fantasy clothing on the nearest diminutive figure available, but that you can't even tell the difference between a dolly and an alive homo sapiens?
7. point-scoring systems for competitions with your sister, next-door neighbour and all the other parents at the school gate, if your child got a hundred per cent in their maths test that is despite what you've been teaching it, not all down to you as if you were there in the room filling out the answers yourself, which in any case would be a pathetic "achievement" because you are an adult and you should have known what long-division is for about thirty years already,
8. retirement funds. If you think your long-suffering children or your spoilt nasty brats are going to give up work and look after you when you are dying of arthritis in your old age, then go and buy a great big cuckoo clock right now and move into it. They will have better things to do, such as, live their lives and bring up their own children according to their sworn vows never to do anything the way you did it because it was all completely wrong,
9. entertainment systems, designed to act charming and do little amusing dances (small-sized), or visit your house and sit there helping you whine about the weather (fully-grown size) and the new gutters and all the other boring rubbish you like diverting yourself with because your mind is so full of refuse there is no room for anything interesting up there anymore,
10. living dedicated tributes to you, the great creator who brought life to the world, and whose every action you therefore possess for evermore, and whose every failure is a personal affront to your in your benificent mightiness. You are confusing your role with that of Beelzebub. Your children did not ask to be born and definitely did not sell you their soul in return for agreeing to push them out of your uterus.
The way to treat children is the same way you would treat anybody else. Make them work for their money, do not give them a free ride, have a good laugh when they act ridiculous and leave them to their own devices as much of the time as possible. You would not tolerate an adult coming in your home, living in your spare bedroom for free, vandalising your walls with crayon and demanding french fries at all hours of the day and night, so do not tolerate it from any children either. If any children do visit your home, simply provide them with something to do that amuses them and produces hilarious results for everyone else, such as, making them bake "bread" or paint fifteenth-century style Flemish portraits of each other. Or dress them up as superheroes, only, do not buy special costumes for this purpose, just use some old sheets, j-cloths, sellotape etc, they will not be able to tell the difference and the results will be much more amusing for you.
Then parade them round the market square and whenever anyone stares in shock, stare right back at them and say, "What are you looking at? She made it herself, and she suffers from a severe learning disability! I will call the anti-discrimination police onto you!" Most children "suffer" from "learning disabilities" these days, so you will most likely be telling the truth even if you don't know it at the time. I am waiting for them to invent "crap parents disorder", or CPD, although that will snowball, with the parents being certified with their own CPD and drugged to the eyeballs next, right back up the family line, no old granny in a nursing home will be safe. Then again, these people are so full of nonsense already, it doesn't really make much difference.
Have one of those wee bald strangers on the way myself, so am in need of all parenting tips! Thanks :)
1 A visitation from god, not unlike the plague of toads.
2 All noise at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other.
Be afraid, be very afraid!
2) evary tiem i hear teh word 'episiotomy' i hide undar teh bed for a week. tahnks pal. thanks a bundle.
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