Friday, July 01, 2005

 

Joggers

I am sorry but enough is enough. Jogging went out of fashion after Jane Fonda sank into obscurity thirty years ago (she is now trying to look exactly like Mrs President Bush of course, with the airbrushed-upwards hair and in a boxy taffeta evening-gown suit, and also saying how she only found herself now she is seventy six and all her previous nineteen husbands only made her miserable, anyway it is obvious she has been a fruitcake her entire life, and has discredited the cause of fitness more or less permanently now, particularly jogging because jogging and aerobics were the only two forms of exercise at that time so they are fused together in people's minds forever now).

Anyway, jogging crushes your kneecaps together and makes them crack and splinter, and as everyone already needs false hips when they get old, requiring false knees also seems to be pushing it further than necessary, especially in a country with no free healthcare except for people so poor they may as well be dead already anyhow. I suppose the joggers are all lawyers or trainee lawyers, as those people have so much money they can throw it away on healthcare just for a laugh. "Oh, I felt a slight twinge in my left nostril yesterday, so I went to see my personal nasologist in the specialist nasology headquarters." I am sure the doctors can't wait for them to leave so they can just shake their heads at the stupidity of mankind especially lawyers, then count their money gleefully.

However. There are still people jogging in America. One can see them every day, tottering along the street, sweaty grimaces on their faces, no doubt signifying barely-concealed anguish at what utter and total fools they look, and I do not think anybody really knows the reason why.

It is not because they need to lose weight. They are all young thin people already. Surely today's modern youth cannot be so desperately bored that bouncing along in a public place wilfully destroying your own kneecaps by bashing them on the concrete sidewalks is now the most exciting activity available?

Anyway, they offend me. So here is my solution.

Americans have guns. Why do they not simply threaten to shoot the joggers? That would probably stop them without the need for any actual carnage. Not to mention that a minor bullet wound could well prove less damaging long-term post-surgery than the effects of repeated and sustained jogging on the person's skeletal frame. I think you will agree this is a good point. But I do not wish to know either way. If it was not a good point, then why would I have bothered making it?

Comments:
i avise u to alow anomyonus comants. most of teh pepl who commont on emeril bial are two ashamd of emslevs to use they're rel names.

but its a vary iformnative bolg now i know why teh ira shots poepals knecaps.
 
I advise you to learn to spell. People will never understand you if you can't spell. They will just read it like you wrote brahifldjsjsbdfhdjj and so on. However you are right about the comments, I will change that immediately.
 
HA HA HA, (an educated man), has stated on this site, that language is arbitrary. This is misleading (sic). Phonetics and alphabets are arbitrary, the capacity for communicative syntax is fixed.
An absolute.
It is fixed in the developing human brain by puberty.
Even phonetics and vocabulary are determined by anthropomorphic considerations - Do you have two arms? What sounds can you make? Can you hear to make sense of Onomatopoeia?
This is true of all language whether the medium is speech, British Sign Language, Broil, I’m sorry I’ll feel that again, Braille, and all the Tower of Babel ones.
The convention of spelling is a recent development, and has provided us with the spectacle of distressed American children pissing their pants on stage because they can’t spell rhododendron. I blame the parents.
 
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