Wednesday, July 27, 2005

 

people expressing themselves, there are few things more off-putting

Have you ever bought anything from small ads? You should, it is cheaper, but not if you have a heart condition as it means trawling through the whole quaggy mire that is human nature which is another kind of expense some cannot spare. There is an internet thing called "craigslist", you can go there to find some poor loser to have sex with if you do not have any standards about who gets to grope your body, but you can also go there to buy secondhand beds etc.

Here is one kind of adverts you will see on craigslist, it is the yelling psychopath type:

MUST BE SOLD IMMEDIATELY! COME AND BUY THIS OR I WILL HOLD YOUR FAMILY HOSTAGE AND BLACKMAIL YOUR AGED GRANDMOTHER! I CANNOT KEEP THIS COUCH ANOTHER DAY, IF YOU DON'T BUY IT NOW, YOUR WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD WILL SUFFER!

Then there are the stupid people who actually try to stop you buying their stuff, I think it is unintentional:

For sale, old chair, it is very chewed and the seat is broken, I have had it for ages, but it could be mended if you are a specialist carpenter, or maybe smashed up and turned into an art project.

The sad people:

For sale, really cool blokeish-type thing, I really like it still and will cry when you pick it up but my girlfriend said if I don't get rid of it to prove my love she will leave me, and I don't fancy my chances getting another one, girlfriend that is, the cool thing is completely irreplaceable, I used to be alright at picking up girls but then I put on a few pounds and lost my confidence, or maybe it is the way she is always yelling at me for no reason like that time I was two minutes late for the show after she smashed my watch that morning for asking her the time...

The disgustingly rich but also greedy people:

Entire lavish luxury deluxe-elite-clubclass Nathan Hawke living-room set, includes sofa, chair, coffee table and two side-cushions, beautiful "nondescript" colour hand-dyed linen picked by poor Chinese children, barely touched, we gave up smoking and killed out pets to keep it uncontaminated, cost $35,000, will sell for $34,975, tremendous bargain for you poor people who cannot afford stuff as nice as ours!

The desperate people, most of these are artists but some are selling marginally useful items:

ART! Huge great canvas the size of aircraft-hangar, decorated with three large stripes and one small one, took me all afternoon! $950

Ludicrous collection of cushions and old rags you do not want, all horrible colours, I got them wholesale and did a bit of needlework and in my opinion they are twice as good as what you get in "Bed, Bath and Beyond" so I am charging $250 for the collection!

Small table, one leg falling off, quite crap really, but my friend Dave the artist painted this really cool picture of a topless woman in a Viking helmet on the top, $25

And then the show-offs:

MOVING TO MANHATTAN! We cannot keep our precious IKEA bookcase anymore! The apartment is tiny, that's what it's like in New York, tiny apartments, but we are still better than you, are you not jealous, do you not wish that you too were MOVING TO MANHATTAN?

No thanks. I've seen Seinfeld. Who would want to live like that, in a completely grey broom-cupboard with your bicycle hanging on the wall and freakish hangers-on instead of friends? It even makes blood-relatives seem friendly and sane by comparison.

Comments:
You are right. The rich people are the worst. I wonder about those listings for dining room sets and living room sets for which they are asking hundreds of dollars. First of all, if I had that much money to spend on furniture, I would buy something new from a reputable store, not from a complete stranger who I will never see again. Second, if they are so rich, they should donate their old furniture to charity. Poor people enjoy nice things too.
 
Poor people don't know how to enjoy nice things, it's therefore a blessing that they have none.
 
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I found a stuffed coyote for sale. Under the title: Make Me A Deal!!! Um, yeah. The livestock ones are best. For brands of goats out of Africa. (Are they brands or breeds, not sure).
 
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