Wednesday, July 20, 2005

 

people- they are not all bad, but it is a good idea to stay away in general

Noreen has posted the most shocking thing I have ever read in my life, if you are of a delicate disposition you should not read it but everyone else should because someone needs to start a campaign against this sort of thing, it is pure, pure, unabridged evil and must not be allowed to continue. I have not checked with Noreen whether she wants anyone to start a campaign though, so it would be polite just to ask before recruiting for your march or anything. I am too busy myself, and nobody round here acts the way Noreen describes, they are just slightly too short on average.

Noreen also mentions the issue of the language problem between Americans and people who speak normal English. I can attest that it is quite severe, the main problem is that Americans use the same words but for wrong things. If they were just French, at least you would know that the words were different from yours and someone needed to learn the other's language, but in American you just get confused without realising why. For instance, you go in a shop and ask for a vest, and spend half an hour being shown waistcoats instead, wondering if the assistant is mad. Or you say yes to a pie, and get a pizza, and think the waiter was terribly rude and not listening, and you storm out hungry. Or someone says do you want "half and half" when you order coffee, and then when it comes there is only a fraction of milk product and a vast majority of coffee in it, which is not what you were expecting. It goes on and on and on.

However, I will not write more on the subject yet, because I need to spend the rest of the day alienating people to reduce the risk of being invited to an evil black-tie satanic recruitment gathering. I cannot really explain how this is done, as it basically comes to me instinctively, but if you are looking for tips one of these might possibly help:

1. stop answering the phone or the doorbell,
2. ignore all birthdays and calendar festivals,
3. become an astronaut, then you can at least get a long way away if all else fails.

At all costs avoid doing anything stupid, annoying, pointless, irritating or aggressive. That is a fatal error, because people love all those things, as soon as you start they will just flock around you like flies around road kill on a hot day, and join in as loudly as they can. The next thing they will be declaring their allegiance to you and demanding at gunpoint that you tattoo their name on your forehead using their blood. Which I do not think would work very well, it would probably just look like a bruise and go away in a few days, but that is not the point, it is still a terrible idea and not something you want to get involved with. In the olden days you could pretend to go crazy and get locked up to escape from society, but these days the only purpose of madness is to get free drugs. Drugs may seem to help you cope with the awfulness of others, but they are actually only extending the problem and not solving it. Until you work out how to get away from people, your addiction to the drugs that enable your people-habit will only increase, until it becomes life-threatening in itself and your kidneys explode within your body. A large price to pay just for picking up the telephone.

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