Friday, July 15, 2005
showers give you cancer
Anyway, I am not surprised that showers are lethal, because personally I have always found baths much better and more relaxing. How can standing up be preferable to reclining in any situation where both works just as well for the main purpose (in this case, washing)? Also, you cannot slip on the soap, fall over and break your neck if you are already sitting or lying down. Also, shower heads always have some of their molecules blocked up by chalk deposits, and did you know that chalk is made of the crushed bone remnants of animals? That's right, they all died in one pile, got flattened down together by, I don't know, maybe a big rock out of the sky or something, and gradually turned into chalk. Similar to how people press flowers, only more disgusting. No wonder they block up the shower sprayer so that splutters of water always go the wrong way, usually right in your eye, and for some reason always freezing cold whatever the temperature of the rest of the water happens to be. The cumulative effect of all this stress is that your blood pressure goes up, your cholesterol level sky-rockets and you collapse from shock, slip on a bar of soap, break your neck and die. One way or another, it is just not worth it.
Have a nice bath instead. It will calm your nerves and make you easier for others to live with. But do not surround yourself with scented candles in the bath, it is morbid and makes you look like Ophelia, I am sure as soon as she was found floating in that swamp the evil scented-candle peddlars rushed up and started decorating the picturesque scene rather than trying emergency ressuccitation or anything. I hate the scented candle industry, it is definitely trying to take over the world, and scented candles are so utterly, totally useless that I am convinced they contain an evil mind-altering aroma that will bring about the end of civilisation, otherwise how can they possibly be explained? There are few shops left to go to now that do not have scented candles, I think you are safe in Blockbuster Video, but I cannot be absolutely sure. Perhaps someone could produce a wallet-sized checklist of candle-free zones for ordinary consumers to take with them as they shop. Scented candle is far more offensive than smoking, if shops just put big signs up with pictures of candles and a red line through them, they would definitely attract more customers.
Anyway, like I said, have a bath.