Wednesday, July 06, 2005

 

there are even special fridges for your own personal beer keg, oh yes

Americans have some of the worst drinking laws ever, and they drink more than any other nation I know with the possible exception of Poland. You cannot get anywhere on the tube, there are no tubes (and where there are tubes nobody has ever heard of them, apparently there is one in LA, which nobody knew, I don't know if it was recently excavated or is only used by the illegal immigrant underclass all the Hollywood people have for scrubbing the marble floors of their fancy homes) , so anyway because there is no public transport or even if there is nobody wants to sit next to someone from Chile, everyone drives cars, which means basically they drink and drive all the time, from morning till night, from the age of sixteen until they either crash or keel over from a burger overdose, whichever happens soonest.

You are not supposed to drink until you are aged about thirty-seven, so that just means as soon as they are legal everyone spends the rest of their lives making up for all the lost drinking years. On the other hand, plenty of young people drink illegally, but then that presents the problem of finding a hiding place, which means driving off in the car somewhere, well if you are already illegal what difference does it make to add a few extra crimes on top of that, such as murder while under the influence of a crazed authoritarian legal system. Admittedly I have not seen many drunk driving deaths around the place, all the extra space on the roads probably helps somewhat, but there was a deceased armadillo by the side of the road today, no doubt the victim of some crazed nineteen-year-old pondering so deeply on the bizarre contradictoriness of American law that he forgot to swerve into a ditch and save the wildlife.

Then there are all those appalling "jock" people, which means male college students who drink too much so they can go around being violent, stupid and annoying, and wearing tartan shorts. They do this until they reach middle age, because American college degrees take literally decades to complete, and usually people like to acquire three or four before finally getting to grips with real life and paying back some of the money, whereupon they usually either run for government office, or open a pizza shop.

Do not imagine I am only talking about redneck places with lots of "liquor" shops, New York and California are the hardest drinking places of all, they just don't want you to know that. Everyone in California is at an all-day-long film discussion meeting in some flash restaurant, or celebrating the fact they escaped from that kind of meeting, so they drink like fish. And in New York, the women especially are great big powerful kick-boxing types who can down fifteen vodkas on the trot without a burp. Then they go outside and chain-smoke five cigarettes in the snow. Then they spend the rest of the night trying to get a taxi home because there's nowhere to park and they don't want to go on the subway and risk sitting next to a Chilean.

Comments:
fuck yeagh! araghghghghggh! right on!
 
What the fuck are you talking about you think you can change the world with your ignorance. Did you even read what you typed. In one of your statements you actually blame a dead armadillo on a drunk driver with nothing to back that up except your own stupidity. I hope you get hit by a drunk driver then dragged out and sodomized by the wild life repeatedly then left there to bleed to death in the moonlight. Damn I've read some stupid ass shit, but this is just ridiculous.
 
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