Wednesday, August 31, 2005

 

a post about blogging, it is definitely time to go hiking up some mountains now

I have been looking round the internet a bit for things to read, and discovered that Emerald Bile is not the only place with obscenity-laden whining after all, therefore I will have to change my mission statement. Also I found a blog that is quite good. It is all about shoes. That is it, just shoes. I know that doesn't sound so great, but think about it. The first good thing is, there is no politics. We all hate politics, why we don't just admit that and give up on the whole thing is a mystery to me because it is quite obvious they are a bunch of idiots, who would want to do that job when they could be relaxing behind a supermarket checkout instead? I do not understand it, I would rather eat paving stones than be a politician.

The second thing about this blog of shoes is, it is written in pretend Italian-style English, which I think is quite amusing. Not side-splitting, but originality is thin on the ground these days, and I think that is a fairly good idea. If you are going to write a blog, do not be just like everyone else, write in Chinese graphology or concentrate on nothing but Dundee cakes, internet space may be free but that doesn't make it alright to waste your life being dull. I suppose this blog I am writing on now could be more unique, but perhaps I will come up with something, as I only thought of all this whole subject just a minute ago.

The third thing about the blog about shoes is, it also has amusing photos with captions. Anyway, I will be putting it on my sidebar later, just as soon as I find it again. And if you know any other good blogs please feel free to tell me what they are. Although we must all be careful not to get sucked in and start thinking the internet is real, there is a whole other world outside of computers, and we must remind ourselves of that.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

 

at last I am back, but for how long? not that you would be able to tell from where you are

Fortunately my bra feels normal today, however I am annoyed about something else and that is internet access. In the olden days, when cars broke down you could wind them up with a big handle. Even today, if you are writing on paper and your pen starts leaking, you can always find a piece of chalk or a feather and some blood. If you lose your voice you can use sign language, or even better just stop talking to people. If your car breaks down and doesn't hand a wind-up handle, you can call a taxi or tell work you are sorry but you can't get there today.

But if your internet stops, you are completely stumped. You just have to cross your fingers that it will return some day, or give up on the whole computer universe, which I am tempted to do, and I would do it too, except that then I would be ranting at the walls instead of you, which would be a sign of madness, and these days if you tell a doctor you are mad all they do is laugh at you and possibly give you drugs, you have to be either dying or killing other people before the medical profession will do anything about madness these days, no wonder society is deteriorating as a result. I do not like drugs, they just annoy me even more, alcohol is alright but if you drink too early in the day it makes you go to sleep early then wake up at 4am when there is nothing to do.

And even when your internet access comes back, you are still annoyed because of the energy you were not able to redirect towards handle-turning or making a quill out of a piece of electrical tubing or whatever, in fact the energy has only festered and got worse, which is very unhealthy and bad for your blood pressure. I think there will be a lot more people dying from internet-related illnesses quite soon.

So at least it is not just me, which does help a bit actually.

Monday, August 29, 2005

 

how do you know the world is round, did you test it?

My bra is really uncomfortable today and it is annoying me. Do not get excited and say oooh-err, Annie mentioned underwear! because you already know that I am female and adult females wear bras, it is perfectly obvious. No I am not telling you what it looks like. It has two containers and some straps, that should be obvious too.

Anyway there is no reason why my bra would suddenly start feeling like a pre-tracheotomy tourniquet designed to cut off all blood and oxygen supply from my upper half, both it and me are still exactly the same size as we were yesterday, I did not eat a hundred burgers in the night or anything. So I blame the laws of physics, because they don't make any sense, but they say they do, thus causing innocent victims like myself to assume that the material world can be expected to maintain some kind of rational consistency, which is clearly nowhere near the case.

There is plenty of evidence for my anti-science argument, just look around you. Why do cockroaches exist? How can you be sure what day it is really? What happened to that last krispy kreme in the fridge that you are sure was there? I hate science, not just because scientists are too serious with no social skills, mostly because they are too boring. Instead of making different kinds of aspirin and cancer cures, they should invent steaming potions to make people invisible, or work out how to sew together bits of old corpses and bring them back to life. Science has not always been dull, in the olden days it was much more interesting, it is a real shame how things have now declined.

(Obviously Dr E. Scientist is a notable exception).

 

let us raise our bowls of gumbo in a toast

I am annoyed about this hurricane actually, I was planning to go to New Orleans sometime but now there won't be any.

Farewell, old French-style place with your traditional jazz music, old black men in hats, people in rocking chairs on wooden porches and yearly carnival of excessiveness. I may not have visited ever, but I can tell it would have been interesting from your occasional cameo appearances in James Bond movies etc.

I think it is fine to come over all poetic when a place is being flattened, it is not my best but like I said, I have never been there. I just hope they don't rebuild it in the style of Coventry or Birmingham, that is all.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

 

a nice cup of cocoa and an early night from now on, I think

This weekend I decided to be exciting for a change so I went to the part of town where there are lots of bars with loud music and people walking around looking completely ridiculous in hardly any clothes and "hen parties" which are about the most unpleasant thing imaginable, if anyone ever asked me to a hen party, which thank goodness they never would because I am fortunately very unpopular, but if they did then I would of course say no thank you, I am not a hen thank you very much, and what other wildfowl events do you have organised for the rest of the month. But as I said, they would not. Which is good.

Anyway, I discovered that this part of town on a Saturday night is not actually exciting at all. First of all when you are walking along you get accosted by beggars every eight seconds. I do not like that, I think the government should round them up and give them homes and jobs. Then you have to walk past bars wondering which one to enter, which is difficult as there are too many and they are all identical. Then you have to go in one and buy a drink over the decibels.

So I went in this bar and got a drink while the band was setting up. It consisted of three old men with long hair in leather caps, two fat and one skinny. They were like the people in those TV shows who make customised motorbikes that look like the statue of liberty, only less interesting. First there was a fight between the drummer and the bass player, apparently this is traditional. Then they drank some beers. Eventually they started playing very loud rock and roll music copied from records, the sort of songs that have two inaudible singing verses for ever sixteen guitar solo verses. Just as the guitar solo is ending, it starts all over again, I am sure you know the sort of thing I mean.

So after one and a half songs and only one beer I left, and could not get inspired to try any more bars. On the way home there was a hurricane, not the big one that is about to kill hundreds of people just a small one, the sort where suddenly loads of trash bags and dust clouds and balls of dried-up plants that do not exist the rest of the time just appear out of nowhere. I interpreted this as a general sign that the evening had not been a success, and I think that I was right.

Friday, August 26, 2005

 

or maybe a whole new identity would be more effective

It will be my birthday in a few months and I am already dreading it because there will be several cards from relatives I hate pretending they like me but really trying to make me feel guilty for not sending cards to them when it was their birthday for the past twenty seven years or since I left home and my parents could no longer fake my signature, whichever was earliest. I am considering sending them all a postcard in advance saying please give the money to your local dog charity instead, but they would probably interpret this a sign of contact, which I do not want to encourage.

As well as the cards there will probably be at least one useless present, most likely a non-absorbent tea-cloth. It will have a picture of some pot plants on it with descriptions in Latin. I have a relative who collects these things, she probably has the same tea-cloths as I have had from the same relative. She hangs them on the wall, which is all they are good for, except they aren't actually because they look completely vile. Most of them are calendars in a totally useless sense, the only way you would know the day would be ruining the tea-cloth with an indelible marker pen.

On the whole I do not encourage people to complain if they get gifts they dislike, it is the other person's wasted resources and one should be polite, gifts are not entitlements. But some people are just manipulative selfish vampires, and their gifts are actually secret threatening messages reminding you that you are being watched and hated for your non-conformity to whatever the dumb family rituals may happen to be, and can never ever escape.

I am planning to get over all this, yes, quite soon, with the use of a big samurai sword and a spot of intensive martial arts training.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

 

cheese sandwich disappointment

I just made an Italian fried cheese sandwich. In the cook book picture it looked really good, but in reality it was like sinking your teeth into deep-fried whale blubber. I did change some of the ingredients but I really think the picture was misleading and the idea of getting a cheese sandwich and then coating it in milk and flour and egg and then frying it in butter is probably flawed. It just seems too much like getting a lard sandwich then coating it in lard then frying it in lard.

So, cookery book pictures should not be misleading. Or they should have warnings on, like with cigarettes, "This sandwich may look appetising but it does not necessarily taste great, especially if the basic concept is already flawed and then you change most of the ingredients". Something like that.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

 

little things mean nothing at all

Those people who say, "it is the little things that matter," they do not know what they are talking about. It is the big things that matter, for instance nuclear war, earthquakes etc, those matter, whereas if you have a slight headache, that does not matter at all, just drink a large vodka. The truth is, if you take care of the pounds the pennies will take care of themselves, but if you save a whole beer-making jar full of pennies you sill won't be able to afford a house, plus you will need a fork-lift truck to get them to the bank to change into notes, and the gasoline this uses will still cost ten times more than the pennies anyway, thus resulting in a noticeable loss.

The idea that people care more about each other because they share the same toenail clippers, or they know how many sugars to put in each other's coffee, or they have had six hundred fights about who sits on what side of the car, this is complete rubbish. We all know if you are forced to see too much of someone then you are going to learn many unpleasant details about them. This does not mean you want to know those details, still less that you actually care, it means you do not have enough smuggled-in cigarettes to bribe the prison guards into getting you a private room. "Now that I know what kind of underpants so-and-so wears, and how many times a day he goes to the bathroom (or bucket in the corner), this means we are intimate lifelong friends," no this is not true at all.

It is the same with families. Feeding your child chicken nuggets and driving them to trampolining every day does not mean you give a toss and they will worship you forever, those things are just part of the job description, if you are going to have kids and then not even feed them you can expect the government to sack you from the job eventually. I hate it when people say, "you mean so much to me because you were there when I was ill," well if they live in the same house, where else are they supposed to go? Are they supposed to spend the night on a park bench, or perhaps go on holiday in the Carribbean until you recover, because in many places it is too cold to sleep outdoors at night, and not all of us can afford to go to Jamaica whenever a family member sneezes.

Of course the little things do not matter, I can barely remember my own birthday never mind anybody else's, the important point is whether they are a nice person or an arse, not how much you know about their nose-picking habits. It is simple.

Monday, August 22, 2005

 

first they came for the nouns, then they came for the adjectives, then everyone yelled at them to shut up with the whining, I am hoping

For some reason there is this whole bunch of people these days complaining about "labels", this is about the stupidest complaint I have ever heard in my life, if there were no labels then how would you know what was in the tin? You would end up cooking dog food pizza which is exactly what people that dumb deserve to do, and they should eat it too because if they refuse then they are labelling the dog food pizza by saying it is "disgusting" or something and that is another label and actually what they meant in the first place, because they think "label" means "applying nouns to the things they are supposed to signify". Have they ever actually tried a noun-free life? Did they go in the convenience store and say, "I would like some long rolled-up leafy smoking (blanks) please", of course not, the idea of going round using only adjectives and the other categories is completely ridiculous. They do not know what they are trying to make everybody do, by complaining about this label nonsense because they have not tried it anyway.

Their real problem is not called "labels" it is called "denial". Just because you refuse to mention something, that does not make it go away. Here are some labels for these people: stupid, ridiculous, bovine, deluded, half-witted morons. These labels are very important, they help the rest of us identify them and then stay out of the way. Imagine what their children would grow up like, if they had never known the use of nouns! Blank staring dozy empty-headed spongiforms with no idea what their own name is or where they live or what day it is or even how to make a "sandwich", which cannot be called a sandwich anymore, just a bunch of adjectives.

But next they will be trying to ban verbs, adjectives, prepositions and pronouns. I would like to point a gun at them and tell them not to call it a gun because it is offensive to label personal objects using labels that might have offensive overtones to some, which means it is evil to do anything I don't want them to do, which is what their argument seems to be, blame the use of words! What a total waste of time. Words are just words, everybody knows to ignore words, that is why we have not yet killed all the politicians, I do not mind at all what labels anybody wants to call me, it is useful information enabling me to identify which people I want to shoot and which people I merely want to avoid.

 

what could be more disgusting

Diet cherry lemon vanilla supervitamin extra caffeine 7-up plus. What is that all about? I made sangria the other night by putting together an inferior bottle of wine with some old bits of fruit and some frozen orange juice. It was quite horrible so I think I added something else random, maybe some ice-cream or a crumbled up old cookie or something. Then it was still horrible but I gave up and drank it anyway. Is this the general effect the soda companies are aiming for or have they gone mad? I think it is a sign of troubled desperation. If they all go bust tomorrow I will not be surprised.

 

the moon: what is its purpose?

The moon might look pretty and I know it is bright enough to see with sometimes, but I do not think these things compensate for its failures. First of all, the moon is too confusing. It changes size, it changes shape, it cannot decide when to be up and when to be down, it comes up in the daytime at the same time as the sun, and it messes up the tides which makes life harder for the fishermen. Secondly, human beings are 98% water, and when a lot of this water is on their brains the tide changes cause them to go crazy, although I do not think this is noticeable compared to the usual level of craziness anyway, but we do not need any more psycho killers than we have already.

The moon is not reliable as a nocturnal light source, and it does not do anything useful. We have been there already and not found any gold mines. Just because the earth is allowed to remain does not mean we need to keep the moon as well. I think the possibility of clearing it away to make some extra space could well be worth considering.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

 

yes I know there are lots of puns to be made about noses

I spent most of the day doing laundry. I hate laundry. Who invented laundry? Why can we not simply go around in stinking unwashed clothes like they used to do in the olden days? They could not wash their clothes at all because if they were poor it was too expensive, and if they were rich and their clothes were made of fancy stuff it would just fall apart in the spin-dry cycle. They just got new clothes every year or so, but these days clothes are so cheap we could wear everything once, or twice for less sweaty people, and buy new things probably cheaper than it costs in the laundrette anyway.

I would not like to throw my clothes away though so I suppose that is not such a good idea, but how about stay-clean clothes, why has nobody invented those yet? Perhaps a drug that particularly malodorous people could take daily to stop them adding to the greenhouse problem, that might help. It is not as if inventing laundry has cleared the airways anyhow though, in fact these days people cover themselves with even worse smells on purpose because they think they are supposed to like them so they wear them to fit in, all those perfumes that are like a mixture of sulphuric acid, household cleaning fluid, yachting varnish and a pile of rotting pot-pourri mixed together. Men's perfumes are a bit better, they are like the inside of an old London pub mixed with a falling apart old suitcase and some WD40 whatever that is. But men smell like those things after two days of not washing anyway, they do not need to spend money on it.

All in all, washing clothes is a big pain, the only other idea I have is to return to having household servants, perhaps children could be trained to do that instead of lazing around doing pointless things like watching the cartoon network and completing ridiculous homework assignments on Lithuanian birth-control. And I am not convinced by the new trend in smells anyway. Maybe our noses have been trained to reject everything that does not smell like it kills all known germs DEAD since the invention of ammonia in the 1970s. Maybe olden days noses actually worked better, like with Napoleon who said to his girlfriend, "I will be back from the war in a couple of months, Josephine, make sure you cover yourself in cow dung for a couple of weeks first." I know it is a repulsive idea but it is worth sparing a thought, you do not need to go ahead and try it, or if you do please stay away from me.

Friday, August 19, 2005

 

just call me a management consultant, then again on second thoughts do not

There is quite a nice cafe around the corner from where I live, but it has two very major and severe problems. The first one, as usual, is the kind of people who go to the cafe. Most of them just sit there in silence with their computers, which completely destroys the whole atmosphere of the cafe because what is the point in going out and paying twenty five times as much as normal for your coffee if you are going to be in the same cybernet world you are in all the time at home anyway? It is both depressing to witness and excruciating to be around.

The other kind of person in this cafe who I hate is the opposite, she is the loud young female who is quite unattractive and does not care because she is not gender biased and can always be a lesbian if she wants and has not found out yet that actually nobody would be interested of either sex because all she ever does is SHOUT AT EVERYBODY ABOUT TOTALLY BORING STUFF CONSISTING OF HERSELF. I will not tell you what she says because it would bore you to death but her mother still has not accepted that she is an adult, and she is the most unusual unique person in the world and nobody seems to notice. I am not talking about one unique person here, I am talking about a whole breed of identical unique people, you can only tell them apart if you study their tattoo variations.

The second severe problem is the cafe food. I only want coffee when I go to a cafe usually, but this one also has food, except it has hardly any food, just a few scraps wrapped up there sweating in cling-film, the last piece of a pie from the week before last and a dried up old bagel and a couple of scones that belong in a rock-garden. The food is so ugly and off-putting it actually puts you off your coffee, which is not even food.

I would like to march into this cafe one day with a machine gun and take the place over, and run it properly. There would be plentiful and delicious food, a room for computer people which is shut off from the rest of civilisation with a soundproof door, and loud music everywhere else to cover up the sound of the unique individual women nobody understands BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING IN THEIR HEADS WORTH UNDERSTANDING. When it is a nice place to be again, normal humans could start coming and take the place over, if there are any of those left. One can only hope.

 

politics- yes or no? and why? or why not?

I thought it would be nice to share our views in an uncomfortable environment and solve all the world's problems. There are many things wrong with the world today, which is why I asked previously should earth remain but for some reason there were not many takers on that one. Perhaps as humans we are biased. Not only has the moon not been populated yet but even if it was we all know from watching the movies that it would mean living underneath a giant dome and nobody likes giant domes. They can get holes in them and everyone is swept away, and they are unnatural. Humans are supposed to be able to get outside from time to time, that is why their worst punishments are offices and prisons. We are not pot-plants.

So I suppose earth will have to remain for the time being, but in the meantime there are plenty of problems to be solved, for instance politics. It is the most unbelievably boring thing on the planet and it must end. But not everyone agrees with me, although it is possible that very few people care either way, which they should because until politics ends nearly everyone you meet is going to be 180% more boring than they would otherwise have been within thirty minutes or under. Anyway I think I will announce one debate every week because if it distracts the attention of a single person from politics for twenty seconds then at least that is doing something good for the world however small, not that I am coming over all Mother Theresa, I said small and I meant it.

The floor is open, so let's have a heated debate. Personally I think the world would be better run by daytime TV. The most popular hosts could decide things and the viewers could phone in with their ideas. But this model is not tried and tested so could have flaws. Anyway you don't have to have a better idea yet to say no to politics, it is only a debate.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

 

the bells, the bells

It is about time someone did something about wind chimes. You do not need wind chimes to tell you what the weather is like, it is perfectly obvious from either going outside or, still easier, simply looking out of a normal household window. What are you going to do if the wind chimes start chiming, or tinkling, or if they are those great huge ones like organ pipes then booming and gonging, do a wind dance? Phone your friends to tell them it is winding? Write a poem about the windiness? No, you are going to say I hope no animals or small children not go near those organ pipes or they will get brained. Or you are going to answer the door and there will be nobody there so you will say, must be those kids again, but it is not kids it is the wind chimes.

The trouble with wind chimes is you cannot get rid of them. There is no market in second-hand wind chimes, or pre-used wind chimes as they would be called, and if you throw them away you are risking the wrath of some aborigine dream-ghost of the elements. All in all, wind chimes are quite sinister and best avoided, but this is difficult as they are in every shop right next to the evil scented candles, they are even in grocery stores. And there is no point in going back to nature and avoiding all commercialism as people who do that have even more wind chimes than usual. The only thing I can think of is perhaps you could make your wind chimes into something else instead, such as very large earrings or Balinese nose-flutes. I don't know, be creative.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

 

Ask Annie

I have decided to have a permanent advice service which people can get to from the sidebar. Here it is. Post your problem in the comments section below and I will then answer it. It is up to you to change names, identifying characteristics etc to avoid libel cases and embarrassment. Obviously the usual proviso about psychopaths applies.

 

several different things

I have installed a tracking device, which is good because it means I can check up on you readers and find out where you come from and things like that, not that I am a psychopath, it does not tell me your credit card number or home address or provide incriminating evidence, but anyway it did not cost any money so I thought I would get one.

Also I have put some new links on the sidebar of people who have commented here and they are actually quite amusing to read as well so I thought I should point that out and say well done gold stars all round, thank goodness the internet is not just about people threatening to shoot each other anymore, these days we can all have sensible conversations about all sorts of strange and bizarre things too numerous to mention but anyway, I would never have thought of any of them.

Thirdly, I went shopping for a new mug because the old one broke, and the store was selling bags of stones. This is unbelievable. Next they will be selling bags of water and boxes of air. It must be great being a shopkeeper these days, people will buy absolutely anything, I am thinking of doing it myself, perhaps I will have a big Stone Super Centre or maybe a Vintage Cardboard Emporium. I am surprised there is no Waterbed Warehouse but I expect there will be soon.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

 

just get a giant inflatable banana, stick it on the bath-tap and sleep on that, why don't you

Look, I know nothing about waterbeds at all, I have never slept on one, seen one, or even been in the same building as one as far as I can tell, all I know about waterbeds is that in 1970s sit-coms there is always a young couple who go to a bad hotel where there is a waterbed and they get all excited about it and when they lie down they roll around all over the place and start vomiting and stop feeling amorous. All 1970s sitcoms are about about people who occasionally feel amorous and then something happens which puts a stop to it, and waterbeds are one of the devices commonly used for this purpose.

So, why is craigslist full of waterbeds? Who is buying these things, are they serious? Personally, I would not feel very reassured about going to sleep on top of a big plastic container with a small ocean inside, it might be useful if a fire starts under the floorboards but that is it, other than that all you need is for someone to walk a drawing-pin into your bedroom and you are going to be waking up like Robinson Crusoe, and what with being disoriented from your dreams probably spending the rest of the night searching for a wreck with a chest of gunpowder on it and then smashing up your furniture (the furniture made from sensible materials such as wood, that is, I hope you do not have an entire bedroom set of inflatables filled with liquids, that would be pathetic), and trying to build fire-beacons and little encampments to protect you from the cannibal savages, who knows where it could end, I do not even want to think about it anymore.

Waterbeds. Completely ridiculous. Futons are bad enough, everyone hates futons, they only buy them because they think futons can be used as sofas as well which is not true unless you have a behind the size of Arkansas that can act as a natural cushion because futons are actually harder than rocks, which is the whole point of them, they are for people who enjoy suffering. Futons do cure backache because they attack the rest of your body too so you can't remember where the original pain actually was. So they have a purpose at least, but if you want to sleep on water, doze off in the bath is my advice.

 

ask annie again

Richard S said:

Yesterday when crossing the street I tripped and hit my foot on the curb. I was wearing sandles at the time and my toes still hurts. I just wanted to share that. Also, whenever someone says something self-deprecating I can't stop myself from finishing their sentence with the words "I agree". eg;
She; "No, I'm really haven't got the figure for modeling"
Me; "I agree"
Is this a problem?

annie says:

It all depends whether you want to impress those people or not. If so, then being rude to them may be counterproductive. If not, then it doesn't matter at all.

Richard S. said:

ok, i admit i have a problem. can you help?

annie says:

Yes definitely, even though you do not tell me what the problem is there are a number of measures that can always help with any problem, at the very least distracting you a small amount from the moment of impact. For instance whistling a merry tune or composing a heroic speech in iambic pentameter or, if you are not religious, trying to think up what exactly you will say for yourself if you end up knocking on the Holy Gates anytime soon.

Anonymous said:

My problems are dealt with courtesy of the world's major pharmaceutical companies.

annie says:

I would be wary of that, what if the world's major pharmaceutical companies go bust leaving their shareholders in ruins and their patients suffering from nasty withdrawl symptoms, death for instance? You would be totally unprepared to manufacture your own drugs. The thought of having to brew home-made herbal preparations, poultices etc out of nettles and elderflower berries may not be as enticing in reality as it seems in theory. I would definitely suggest some kind of backup problem-solving plan, possibly firearms-based, just in case.

 

ask annie

(I am going to take this seriously as it could end up being my new career, so if it is too boring that is why)

freak said:

I bite my toenails. Not that that would be a problem per se, it's just that I've become so obsessed with it that now I just can't control myself anymore, I've found myself doing it at work, in restaurants and in my yoga class!Can you help?

annie replies:

On the whole, I think it is better for people to go with their addictions. They are like recurring dreams, trying to tell us something. If you repress them then they get angry and terrible things can happen. If biting your nails in public is a problem, I suggest staying at home. Give up work, yoga and restaurants, it is more important to be true to yourself. Yes it is difficult for a person to survive without money food or human contact but if you put those things before your destiny then there will be no point in surviving anyway.

On the other hand, you could simply listen to the message of your toenails and then they will stop calling to you all the time. This would solve the problem without making you lonely and destitute which is in some ways better. The message of your toenails is that if work restaurants and yoga are so boring you would rather be chewing off bits of your feet than paying attention then you need a major lifestyle change in all directions. I would say podiatry, which means chiropody in American, but that seems too obvious and I think the point here is wanting to consume your own feet, not polishing other people's feet. I do not really know what you should do with the rest of your life, it is a big question and you do not say very much about your skills, hobbies etc so it is hard to tell. But once you stop either nail-chewing or everything else in your life, whichever is easiest, you will have more time to think about it anyway.

Monday, August 15, 2005

 

first idea

Maybe I could be an agony aunt. Does anyone have any problems? If you do not say any I will know you are lying. Everybody has problems, loads and loads of them. It is better to just own up and admit it than to live a life of falsehood.

 

world fame

I am thinking of making a bid for world fame. What do you think, and do you have any tips?

No I have not decided what to "do" yet, I do not think it is relevant at this stage.

 

buses are best

Last week, I went out in the evening looking for a drink and/or snack. There was a sort of mini lakeside restaurant mall by the lake, lots of people there, and you had to drive up a hill to get to the great big car parks that went with the restaurants.

To get up and down this hill there was a sort of golf-buggy with pullalong seat carriages behind that you could ride. At first I thought being driven from a carpark to a restaurant was the stupidest thing I had ever heard of, and I said loudly my legs still work so I will walk thank you, but then the golf buggy stopped right next to me so of course I got on. The driver was singing and waving his arms and being jolly, so I assumed he must enjoy his job and take a positive attitude.

The bar turned out to be pretend Hawaiian with umbrellas made of haystacks and kitsch plastic flowery tablecoverings everywhere. Which was horrible. Also I had forgotten my cigarettes and being evil they did not sell any. So I had to go back up the hill in the golf buggy again, try and avoid conversation with the hyperactive driver, and then ride back down all over again. Which I did, but it was not worth it. The atmosphere in the bar was terrible, all the people thought they were posh and looked like what zombies would look like if they bought all their clothes in banana republic. There were loads of children, always a bad sign, and they were even more like zombies. It was quite horrific. I cannot tell you how much I hate Americans who think they are posh. It is just beyond words terrible. To think that they choose those clothes on purpose to all look the same, it is disgusting, they make lemmings look like avant garde conceptual artists.

Obviously I was desperate to get out so drank my drink quickly and got back on the golf buggy. By now it was dawning on me that the hyperactive man was not happy, he had merely been driven insane by the utter boringness of his job. He seemed to be chatting to the customers but actually he was talking and singing to himself and not hearing anything they said back. Up the hill and down the hill all day long, it is enough to knock anyone off their trolley eventually.

Then I needed to detox before going home so as to avoid taking back the destructive evil vibrations I had picked up from the Hawaiin zombies, so I went off to another bar in inside the town. This one was fine. There were no posh people, no children, plus they had mist-making machines to keep you cool. They also do nice food, but I forgot to eat any due to concentrating on the beer drinking. Also they sold cigarettes. There was no parking though.

So, you can either park and ride golf buggies and go somewhere terrible beyond belief, or you can take the bus. This is why I like buses.


Sunday, August 14, 2005

 

so many things to complain about, so little time

I am having a very angry day today. There are so many things to moan about I hardly know where to begin. As there is a need to pick just one I will pick only seven:

1. people who whine because something went wrong in their house because they totally neglected it anyway,
2. people who have fleas and nits, eugh,
3. people who say they are "stressed" due to some perfectly normal everyday task, such as the washing up or driving their kids to school,
4. people who are just plain ugly,
5. people who have no friends then pretend it is because they are too good and superior and the rest of the human race can't keep up with them,
6. people who say they love their wonderful kids when their kids are annoying antisocial spoilt brats with the social skills of the average plague-rat.
7. people who write blogs that nobody reads just because they like the sound of their own keyboard.

You will notice that all these complaints prominently feature the word "people". There is a good reason for this, otherwise I would have changed them. It is that people are more annoying than any other kind of thing available, for instance, whales. Whales are not very annoying at all, for a start they live in the sea, which is miles away and very deep so there is plenty of room for them to not be near. Secondly, even if they do come near, it is not to show off about how they once read Einstein, or any of the 7 things listed above. Anyway, animals are easily conquered so of course they are going to be far less annoying than humans. It is obvious.

So, working down the list:

1. If you have a toaster you never clean and it gets so full of crumbs you can no longer insert the bread and then it catches fire, do not moan, "Oh no, my toaster went wrong!" because your toaster is innocent, you are the guilty one. The bread will not go in because it is telling you "Do not toast me until you have cleaned your toaster," and the fire is burning down your house because it is telling you, "You are an idiot who deserves to die." Listen to these divine and holy messages.

2. I do not know whether it is true that nits and fleas only attack unusually hygienic people, but I suspect this is not the case, otherwise why do they pick on wild mongrel dogs and small children? In my view, these creatures and their hosts are very unpleasant indeed, and should be burned. See above.

3. OK, if you don't like driving your kids to school or doing the washing up, don't bother. I will not care in the least if your children are kidnapped by Social Security or your kitchen sink gets infested with cockroaches, if you can't be bothered to even take your kids somewhere that someone else will teach them to read because you can't be bothered to do it yourself then you don't deserve to be a parent, and if your home is full of insects then chances are your toaster is full of crumbs and will catch fire and burn your house down soon anyway, so, whatever.

4. I realise people do not choose to be ugly. But this does not mean they have a right to make it worse. Nine out of ten ugly people exacerbate their own ugliness by one means or another, and if this were not the case then I would let the whole lot of them off, but they are bringing the side down and that is simply against the laws of evolution. It is not right to doom an entire species just because they don't look nice. A smile will make anyone look nice, and I am not talking about the kind of fixed grimace an evil alien does when they are pretending to be human. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out your family photo album, there will be plenty of examples there.

5. This is taking too long. Anyway, I have friends. That is all you need to know.

6. They are either lying, which is pathetic, or kidding themselves, which is even worse.

7. As soon as it comes to my attention that this is the case, I will stop. Anyway, I intensely dislike the sound of my own keyboard. It is like a million cockroaches square-dancing without any music. Quite disturbing, and I am not even on drugs.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

 

I just called to say I am halfway through buying a pizza

I saw a man walking around with a little pointy metal thing in his ear, it was a cellphone that can stay there all the time even when you are not talking to anyone. This is the stupidest thing I ever heard of, all phones are terrible enough already and portable ones are even worse, but having a phone permanently welded to your earlobes is completely unnecessary and ridiculous not to mention evil. The only people who need permanent hands off communicator machines that look like metal arrow-tips are space travellers of the future, everyone knows if you are investigating the distress call of people from another planet you need to be able to contact your mothership at all times, in case they have locked a tractor beam on the aliens or discovered it is a trick, or if you need emergency transportation because there is a big blue grizzly bear about to attack you. None of those situations apply if you are in the checkout line at Wal-Mart or sitting in the tax office waiting room, or even if you are wondering why your pizza is being delivered late, never mind because you are just bored and want to chat to your friends about it. So going around with a dilithium communicator attached to the side of your head only exposes that you are in denial about reality and trying to live in a fantasy world.

Life is boring. Sharing the boringness with other bored people is not the answer, it only increases the boringness exponentially, and wearing unnecessary space travel equipment certainly does not make your life more exciting, it only makes you look a complete idiot. If you need something to do in quiet moments, why not read a book. I recommend Proust, nobody has ever actually read Proust so the first person who manages to stagger through a couple of pages has done something unique, which is worth showing off about, unlike those who think it is clever to pretend they are Captain Jean-Luc Picard when he was under the infuence of the Borgs.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

 

should it really?

Following on from the blog below, should earth remain? I am not sure. Does anyone have the answer?

 

am I a dumb animal too? not sure, maybe

As you can see I have not done those sidebar links yet. This is because it is work, and I am very lazy. For instance, today I am sitting here eating chocolate chip cookies and wondering when to smoke again and writing this, which is about as lazy as a person can possibly be. In a way, laziness is a good thing, if evil people were more lazy there would be a lot less trouble. "Shall we go and bomb that bus today, Ahmed?" "No, there might be something good on the lifestyle channel, and we've still got half a pizza from last night." And if those hyperactive nutcases who stand in the doorways of shops wearing uniforms and yelling at you "HELLO HOW ARE YOU TODAY?" and "THANK YOU FOR YOUR CUSTOM!" whether or not you bought anything were more lazy, that would also be good, I would not mind them if they were sitting down just outside having a cigarette and gazing at the car park instead, it would be much better.

On the other hand, I hate lazy people who try to make other people do their jobs for them, especially those ones who do everything as slowly as possible and get nothing done ever because they were "too busy". And also those ones who hate having to turn their brain on, so everything is your fault instead, "I was only reacting to what you did first," what patent rubbish is that, even dumb animals, who are not supposed to think, don't then go around whining about the consequences of their own dumbness. Mostly because they are already dead by then. Sometimes I think the law of the jungle would actually be better than our useless civilisation which is so full of people far far worse than dumb animals, but we all know that is a bad way to think from watching sci-fi shows where cold-hearted rational aliens are contantly trying to wipe out earth for its terrible wrongs. Obviously, earth should remain. I think.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

 

links

I found four more blogs to put on the sidebar. They are bogol, Expat Travels, the japing ape and Where's the Ka-Boom. They all belong to people who have commented here at some point, which is a far better recommendation than I found them by mistake or they were mentioned in yet another article about blogging in the Guardian. If anyone else who comments has a blog I will add that too, the exception is if they are a psychopath. It is not easy to tell who is a psychopath on the internet as body language is normally your best clue, but there are ways, however in a way if the psychopath is writing a blog that is a good thing as it tells you more about them, enabling you to study their mental movements and know your emeny before the combat. So I may even link those too.

Friday, August 05, 2005

 

and what about those playgrounds that are just like army assault courses?

While we are on the subject of children being evil, which I was if you read down, why do not people notice that when ungrown human beings make sounds of distress they are nearly always faking it? The more civilised the society, the more howling kids you get everywhere, because if you stop send kids up chimneys and down coal mines they have nothing else to do at the weekend than harrass people. All this pony club and homework and the latest Barbie is not fooling them, they don't want to play pick-up-sticks they want to live in a war-zone and find out what life is really like, it is their natural instinct so if they aren't living in one already they just try and simulate it. Why else would they like guns so much, normal adults aren't interested in guns because unless you are actually planning to commit mass-murder there's not a lot of point really, but children are obssessed with guns. Also they like camping, and everyone knows that soldiers on the front-line have to camp a lot. They do not like carrying heavy backpacks full of stones, but then a wartime general would get his inferiors to do that, just like how children get their parents to carry everything. Children even like dehydrated food, the same as soldiers have to eat, things like macaroni and cheese and cheetos and kool aid.

I have a theory and it goes like this. On the one hand, children are faking all this distress to get people to give them stuff like candy, new toys, out of whatever mall they are being dragged round, whatever. But on the other hand it is all really just an unconscious instinct to create distress around them and increase the likelihood of violent hostilities. I know that whenever I hear a child make that grinding sound, the one like a giant dentists' drill from a hostile alien planet being driven into my brain, the idea of committing murder becomes instantly more attractive than normal. It would be quite easy for four or five kids in the same shopping mall to start a mini-riot among the other shoppers. Multiply this, and you have worldwide civil disorder and looting and eventually violent uprisings that lead to international instability and possibility even world war three. It is far more worrying than terrorism, and nothing is being done about it.

Those people in chitty chitty bang bang were right after all I'm afraid.

 

and I haven't told anyone this a thousand times, either

I am sick of people talking about "the cult of celebrity". There is no cult of celebrity. We do not have a Celebrity Temple where people go and sacrifice their pets to decorators from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". Nobody is having Celebrity worshipping gatherings where they stand in a circle and speak gibberish till one of them passes out on the floor. There are no Celebrity Cult farmhouses surrounded by barbed wire in the country where you have to live on 400 calories a day and spend hours listening to lectures about the insights of Michael Jackson and recite passages from his old songs until you don't know what they mean anymore until eventually your well-meaning relatives come and grab you and take you away tied up in a van.

It is part of how everybody exaggerates all the time these days, like this calling everyone who disagrees with you Hitler. "That will be five dollars ma'am." "You Hitler!" etc etc. There is no "cult of celebrity", Hitler died sixty years ago, plastic does not give you cancer, the world is not ending, Europe is not a communist state, America is not a fascist state, you will not drop dead if you do less than three hours jogging a week, terrorists are not "annoyed human rights protestors" and smoking cigarettes does not give you cancer. Also reality TV is not voyeurism, voyeurism is wearing a raincoat and spying on your attractive next-door neighbour with a periscope. Also there is no new black or orange or anything else, everything is old and recycled unless it is part of a computer and even then it is still just a small piece of metal that our ancestors probably used as part of an axe.

Life is normal and mostly really boring, the liveliest thing you will probably do all day is have a better than average cup of coffee. Exaggerating everything does not solve this problem, only when we have space travel to different planets are things likely to improve. In case you are thinking that space travel is new, it is not, they landed on the moon 36 years ago and we are still waiting for affordable inter-galactic travel even now. I am not saying you should face reality, that is always a debatable point. I am just saying exaggeration is not working anymore as a way of spicing things up, so people should stop it.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

 

in deep confusion

Apparently I need something called a "blogroll" naming and linking to other people's blogs, in order to make friends and influence people, which will encourage more readers to come here.

Making friends and influencing people is definitely my least greatest skill. I have no idea what kind of blogs to name and link other than the home of the great Noreen who is my role model. On getting more readers I admit to being torn. On the one hand it is a bit creepy, thinking of what weirdos could be reading this very post and forming bizarre serial-murdering plans as a result. If there is a Jack the Jogger Killer soon, for instance, I will worry that he might get arrested and cite my anti-jogger posts as inspiration for his wicked slaughterings. Who knows what terrible things could come from encouraging totally unrestricted people with computers, which we all know is the very scariest type of a person in existence, to freely read and possibly even quote my ideas out of context to support their every evil crime?

On the other hand, it is possibly slightly paranoid to dwell on such things when they are very unlikely compared to, say, a tree falling on your head. One doesn't hear much about serial killers these days, I suppose terrorism has taken away their limelight really.

All in all I have no idea what I want to do. Any advice will be gratefully received before I ignore it and do something else completely different. But more urgently: those little whisks for frothing up milk so you can pretend your coffee is just like a real cappuccino. They must go.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

 

so hahaha, pretentious idiots

So I started wondering what on earth dream-catchers are actually supposed to do, other than make the person who owns them look like a half-wit who does playschool crafts for a hobby, you see one in their home and then unconsciously start looking around for the paper-plate masks, and the egg-box daffodils, and the magic roundabout dougals made out of toilet rolls with wool wound round them and then sliced along the bottom with a big DANGEROUS pair of scissors, and big friezes of hand-prints in red and brown supposed to resemble autumn leaves, and they say, "Why are your eyes darting around all over the place?" and you say, "Sorry, I saw the DREAMCATCHER and involuntarily started seeking out the other home-made junk before it caught me unawares and made me scream," and they say, "That is not junk, it is from a real Native-American store in San Francisco, and it cost fifty dollars!" and you say, "But it says made in China on the bottom," and they explode.

Well, the whole idea of trying to catch your dreams in a woollen spider's web confused me. Do they get caught after you sleep, so you can remember them better to tell the men in white coats when they start interrogating you on the padded couch? Is it to catch them on their way to your brain, so you have some dreams, because the brain needs to dream in order to exercise itself so as to feign sanity when you wake? The fact that neither of these are going to happen is by the way, we all know that knitting materials, unconscious states and mental health are completely unconnected, there is a link between excess knitting and being a unique kind of modern arse, but that's a different issue.

So I decided to look it up on the internet, and next time I find someone who has a dream-catcher I will tell them that actually they were made up by the Ojibway tribe as a method of getting their kids to sleep, by pretending to protect them from bad dreams. I once heard of someone who used to spray her kid's room with anti-monster-spray (air-freshener) before he went to bed. So having a dream-catcher is like going a few years into the future and finding that everyone is hanging up cans of lysol in their windows and admiring them as ancient spell-making equipment. Anyway, dreamcatchers, they are for kids and idiots, it is a shame the Ojibway tribe did not patent them, they could be laughing all the way to the bank at the dumb white people then.

Monday, August 01, 2005

 

babies: not exactly evil, but good is pushing it a bit

So I was in the supermarket the other day, and there was this baby being pushed along in a trolley in front of me, and it suddenly started looking at me in a very hilarious way and I immediately got the point of the joke, so I was smiling back most amused, and we walked along like that in mutual understanding of how ridiculous the whole world is and it doesn't really matter because it is really quite funny, all without the baby's mother who was pushing the trolley noticing. I don't think she would have got the joke, most people don't get that joke at all, because they are too stupid. However the baby did not care, he had forgotten all about the woman who carried him in her own body for nine months then gave birth to him in vicious pain, having lost interest in her mid-conversation when he spotted the mad lady behind her (me).

Anyway, I am very glad I do not have a baby and I definitely do not ever want a baby again, because they are traitors. They would dump their own mothers for anyone who showed them a good time, at the drop of one of those little pointy hats with a knot tied in the top. People think they care about their parents, well they do not, actually they just care about exploiting the world as much as they possibly can and parents just happen to be the ones who nearly always put up with that the most. I could have picked that baby up and stolen it, and although the mother would have screamed and I would have been arrested, the baby would have totally loved the whole thing. Maybe not if it was breastfed, which explains why it is so popular these days to nurse babies until school age, women subconsciously know that is about the only thing nobody else can compete with to stop their kids finding someone else better than you and wandering off.

By the time kids are about five, they have usually noticed it is illegal to leave your own parents and squat in someone else's home just because they are more interesting or have a better sense of humour, and given up the game to some extent. Also their brain has expanded to where they prefer material things to people anyway. That is the age where they start shoplifting, unless you have created a reliable sense of fear in their minds to keep them in check, which is quite hard these days as the police rarely prosecute at that age anyway. The alternative is to buy them everything they want, but you should not do that because then they have won.

What does make me laugh though is those bitter and twisted middle-aged ladies who think they are just great with babies and all kids love them, and they don't realise this is only because their own grandchildren happen to be extraordinarily dumb, having inherited their genes, and therefore barely capable of reacting to anything at all, and then these ladies go around talking loudly to other people's babies and making grotesque faces at them, and then the babies all quite rightly start howling at the horror of it all. I would howl too if it was me. It's not just that the ladies are bigger than the babies and look like scary monsters, it's finding out that the world is capable of such bad-taste and blind pomposity, by having it literally shoved in your face. Quite a shock after the womb, I am sure.

 

random things I dislike

1. anything to do with marketing
2. slidey drawers that shoot out too fast
3. mad people talking to themselves in thrift stores
4. imabic pentameter
5. Little Miss Grandma Debbie's Squishy Shaving-Foam-Filled Cake-Products
6. emerald green, creepy
7. anything by Georges Braque
8. Coldplay, ugh
9. tiled floors, if you fall over on them you crack your head open
10. dream-catchers. Dream-catchers. I ask you.

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