Thursday, August 11, 2005


I just called to say I am halfway through buying a pizza

I saw a man walking around with a little pointy metal thing in his ear, it was a cellphone that can stay there all the time even when you are not talking to anyone. This is the stupidest thing I ever heard of, all phones are terrible enough already and portable ones are even worse, but having a phone permanently welded to your earlobes is completely unnecessary and ridiculous not to mention evil. The only people who need permanent hands off communicator machines that look like metal arrow-tips are space travellers of the future, everyone knows if you are investigating the distress call of people from another planet you need to be able to contact your mothership at all times, in case they have locked a tractor beam on the aliens or discovered it is a trick, or if you need emergency transportation because there is a big blue grizzly bear about to attack you. None of those situations apply if you are in the checkout line at Wal-Mart or sitting in the tax office waiting room, or even if you are wondering why your pizza is being delivered late, never mind because you are just bored and want to chat to your friends about it. So going around with a dilithium communicator attached to the side of your head only exposes that you are in denial about reality and trying to live in a fantasy world.

Life is boring. Sharing the boringness with other bored people is not the answer, it only increases the boringness exponentially, and wearing unnecessary space travel equipment certainly does not make your life more exciting, it only makes you look a complete idiot. If you need something to do in quiet moments, why not read a book. I recommend Proust, nobody has ever actually read Proust so the first person who manages to stagger through a couple of pages has done something unique, which is worth showing off about, unlike those who think it is clever to pretend they are Captain Jean-Luc Picard when he was under the infuence of the Borgs.

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amoung those in touch with it."
These are the same feller who bought those little leather holsters to put their phones in instead of putting the fucking thing in your pocket. Cunts. All the cabbies here have them, which is understandable, as it leave both hands free for duelling with other road users.
Life becomes boring when it is too safe and comfortable. Instead of reading books, go and live with the Maasai and learn how to hunt lions with spears. No one on a lion hunt ever got bored.
I would be absolutely delighted to permanently attach cell phones to some people's skulls gratis.

I have a nail gun, and I'm not too shy to use it.
Oh, come on GB, it's gotta pale eventually. 'What, lion hunting again? Can't we just stay in? Look, I just got satellite installed in my hut.' And so on.
Rob is right. Some of us have killed and eaten more lions than the average Massai has, um, killed and eaten, and do still find life to be boring. There are only so many different flavors of lion-burger to be invented and raspberry ripple doesn't even taste very nice.
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