Tuesday, August 16, 2005

 

just get a giant inflatable banana, stick it on the bath-tap and sleep on that, why don't you

Look, I know nothing about waterbeds at all, I have never slept on one, seen one, or even been in the same building as one as far as I can tell, all I know about waterbeds is that in 1970s sit-coms there is always a young couple who go to a bad hotel where there is a waterbed and they get all excited about it and when they lie down they roll around all over the place and start vomiting and stop feeling amorous. All 1970s sitcoms are about about people who occasionally feel amorous and then something happens which puts a stop to it, and waterbeds are one of the devices commonly used for this purpose.

So, why is craigslist full of waterbeds? Who is buying these things, are they serious? Personally, I would not feel very reassured about going to sleep on top of a big plastic container with a small ocean inside, it might be useful if a fire starts under the floorboards but that is it, other than that all you need is for someone to walk a drawing-pin into your bedroom and you are going to be waking up like Robinson Crusoe, and what with being disoriented from your dreams probably spending the rest of the night searching for a wreck with a chest of gunpowder on it and then smashing up your furniture (the furniture made from sensible materials such as wood, that is, I hope you do not have an entire bedroom set of inflatables filled with liquids, that would be pathetic), and trying to build fire-beacons and little encampments to protect you from the cannibal savages, who knows where it could end, I do not even want to think about it anymore.

Waterbeds. Completely ridiculous. Futons are bad enough, everyone hates futons, they only buy them because they think futons can be used as sofas as well which is not true unless you have a behind the size of Arkansas that can act as a natural cushion because futons are actually harder than rocks, which is the whole point of them, they are for people who enjoy suffering. Futons do cure backache because they attack the rest of your body too so you can't remember where the original pain actually was. So they have a purpose at least, but if you want to sleep on water, doze off in the bath is my advice.

Comments:
You're quite right. There is no point in a couple trying to sleep on a waterbed. I have tried this before, and it is a miracle one of us wasn't drowned or smothered before the night was over.

Further, there is the fear that somehow, in your sleep, you will uncontrollably (perhaps in the throes of some nightmare) pierce the mattress with a fingernail or a tooth and just float away to wake up, location unknown. Scary stuff.
 
(whoops, wrong URL, this is me)
 
http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/8027/giveafuckometer5dc.gif
 
Waterbeds...just ghastly. I have known a few people who had them. Friends' divorcee parents in the 70's who were finding themselves in the 'dating scene' again, and thought it would help. And every once in a while one actually would get a leak in it. All that water, encased in rubber, for a certain period of time...well, you can imagine the stink. Sweet, Thundering Jesus, the STINK!
 
Waterbeds enhance wet dreams!
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
bullseye,

that url just takes you to something called imageshack that asks you to sign up. Also, please say something in words and then I can link you on the sidebar as per my policy.
 
A futon is simply a homeless person's bed that has been sold to an idiot with a house/ God I hate them. I have slept on the streets and found more comfortable places to lie down. I always wanted a go of a waterbed, are they no good then?
 
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