Wednesday, August 03, 2005


so hahaha, pretentious idiots

So I started wondering what on earth dream-catchers are actually supposed to do, other than make the person who owns them look like a half-wit who does playschool crafts for a hobby, you see one in their home and then unconsciously start looking around for the paper-plate masks, and the egg-box daffodils, and the magic roundabout dougals made out of toilet rolls with wool wound round them and then sliced along the bottom with a big DANGEROUS pair of scissors, and big friezes of hand-prints in red and brown supposed to resemble autumn leaves, and they say, "Why are your eyes darting around all over the place?" and you say, "Sorry, I saw the DREAMCATCHER and involuntarily started seeking out the other home-made junk before it caught me unawares and made me scream," and they say, "That is not junk, it is from a real Native-American store in San Francisco, and it cost fifty dollars!" and you say, "But it says made in China on the bottom," and they explode.

Well, the whole idea of trying to catch your dreams in a woollen spider's web confused me. Do they get caught after you sleep, so you can remember them better to tell the men in white coats when they start interrogating you on the padded couch? Is it to catch them on their way to your brain, so you have some dreams, because the brain needs to dream in order to exercise itself so as to feign sanity when you wake? The fact that neither of these are going to happen is by the way, we all know that knitting materials, unconscious states and mental health are completely unconnected, there is a link between excess knitting and being a unique kind of modern arse, but that's a different issue.

So I decided to look it up on the internet, and next time I find someone who has a dream-catcher I will tell them that actually they were made up by the Ojibway tribe as a method of getting their kids to sleep, by pretending to protect them from bad dreams. I once heard of someone who used to spray her kid's room with anti-monster-spray (air-freshener) before he went to bed. So having a dream-catcher is like going a few years into the future and finding that everyone is hanging up cans of lysol in their windows and admiring them as ancient spell-making equipment. Anyway, dreamcatchers, they are for kids and idiots, it is a shame the Ojibway tribe did not patent them, they could be laughing all the way to the bank at the dumb white people then.

We are known as the Ojibway Nation!
I was once given a dreamcatcher as a gift. It was fucking horrible. It had cerise feathers, and a "Made in Taiwan" sticker.

Needless to say, it was a "present" from an Australian colleague. She was lucky I didn't choke her with it. Bitch.

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