Thursday, September 29, 2005
a learned post about the history of telephones
I read something the other day which said telemarketing never sells stuff, and companies may as well just phone up and say "We are crap at selling, and also we hate you," and it would have exactly the same effect. I think this is not strong enough. If they phoned and said "Ha ha ha, made you pick up the phone, you moron!" that would actually sell their products better than now, and if they phoned and said, "I am an evil stalker watching you from outside the house lying in wait to murder you any minute now!" that would sell their products even better. In fact if they set up devil-worshipping centres, sacrificed innocent virgins and plotted to overthrow the governments of the world, they would definitely gain great popularity and have people marching on the streets in support of their cable services, I am certain.
Does anyone remember when it was still only about 50 years since phones had been invented and teenagers used to make hilarious joke phone calls to strangers because they did not yet have murderous video games or mobiles on which to phone their friends and tell them their exact location and distance from each other's locations and then exchange the latest gibberish dialects? In the past, teenagers had nothing to do, and were bored. These days they have far too much to do, the trouble is it is nearly all pointless, from college courses in daytime TV studies to watching daytime tv itself, which is slightly less useless but still not exactly a great boon to society as a whole.
Anyway, in those days, the teachers used to stress how illegal it was to make joke phone calls and how we would get arrested. Whereas now companies do it freely and do not get arrested at all. And they aren't even funny to themselves either. It is sad. My obssessive telemarketer probably has a wife and children too, imagine having to live with someone as dumb as him! In this way society passes evil onto the next generation till the end of time. However there is no point in getting depressed, although that argument rarely works on someone who already is.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
toilet roll holders- yes or no?
Americans call it "bathroom tissue" of course but I think I have gone into all those euphemisms before. So what is the solution to this dilemma?
Monday, September 26, 2005
blogging- not god himself, but quite demanding really in my view
talking to yourself in the mirror +
talking to your mates down the pub +
not having to go out +
extra work = blogging
Something like that. Having thought about it now, I suppose the extra work comes from typing your thoughts instead of just opening your mouth and letting them pop out of your head. For instance, when I want to say "for instance", I have to hit (doing a quick sum now, more work, do you see?) ELEVEN different keys, and they all have to be the correct ones. Now I am quite used to typing so it's not like I am one of those moaning 1970s journalist types who used to type really really slowly with two fingers and be really impressed by secretaries because they had gone on courses teaching them methods that made them able to write a whole four words per hour, I can type quite fast. But, it is still not as fast as talking, plus it is a skill, and we do not get rewarded for it like secretaries used to get paid, but we are still doing the typing. I am not trying to make a big deal, it's like if you imagine in the future people will probably all get good themselves at things we pay people to do now these days, same thing, those people will still be doing the work of diagnosing and prescribing medicines for patients, like doctors do now, or the work of making fluff pastry like chefs in Paris- cooking is a good example, people have got much better at cooking since 30 years ago. Not all, just some.
Well I think I may have wandered off the plot now and become overcomplicated so I will just leave it all there.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
trees update again
Trees. They kill people. They kill people, and destroy homes and property. In hurricanes and storms, is it really wise to have tall wooden structures standing randomly about the place all ready to land right on your head? Of course not. Yet because of tree-worshipping, people dot them about all over the place, for no apparent purpose, and then when a few fall into their roofs and block their roads off, they act all surprised and upset. I calculate that if trees were abolished, hurricane damage could be reduced to a mere percentage of what it is at the moment.
Is it really worth the extra deaths, just for a few extra pigeon-homes? I have said it before, but if oxygen is the point then there are useful, attractive and even edible green things available everywhere that do not kill at all. Cacti, ferns, spider plants and even lettuce. Chop down your trees and grow some basil instead. Basil is very nice especially with pasta.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
enough hurricanes now, thank you
Everyone hates America, even God if there was one. We know. Another thirty six hurricanes will not make any difference. I do not think everyone should hate America because I like being in America, but that is the way it is, and trying to change it would be like trying to convert the Pope to being Jewish or trying to make Michael Jackson go back to being black, it is not going to happen so we should just accept reality. The hurricanes are really irrelevant to that fact, therefore it is time for the end of the hurricanes.
Of course some people say they are just accidental natural disasters, and I tend to think they could be right, in which case they will stop soon due to the laws of probability. In which case, problem solved.
extra thought: I read about this family who left Louisiana and went to live in Texas and found a home and even got new jobs, and now they have had to leave there as well. The people in the town they're going to right now should look out, because they will be next. Unless this hurricane nonsense stops soon, there are going to be whole communities of people who are permanently nomadic, moving from one place to another every three weeks to stay ahead of the next Extreme Weather. We could be seeing a new American return to the lifestyle of the traditional Aborigine. And that would be too weird.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
potato peeling nightmare
Then I chopped the potatoes, but that was definitely 100% more interesting than peeling them. Chopping is alright, peeling is not.
Do not tell me just buy potato wedges, because I hate those things, I hate all the ready-made chip products, they are uniformly not worth eating and the cause of most obesity today. When you buy potatoes there are about six different kinds, this is good and then you can cook them a hundred different ways and none of them are "eggo toaster waffles", which is an extremely good thing. And if there is already a potato peeler, do not tell me about it if it is incredibly expensive, if it leaves bits of skin on the potato in which case it is a fake peeler, if it involves washing up seventeen different parts of complex cogs and wheels after use, or if it is a slave. I do not want to know those things.
Modern science. It is just not good enough. This is the twenty-first century, the time that was supposed to be of cheap space travel and 60s velour jumpsuits, we should all be aiming higher.
Also, who was the American president who could not spell "potato", he put an "e" on the end? Because I know Mr Bush is supposed to be stupid but I do not think he was the first one with this disease by any means.
why not just film a street corner, it has probably already been done
Anyway, you know about that already, but today I am distressed because I recently came across no less than two movies in which the entertainment consisted of obnoxious people sitting in coffee shops having dull conversations! And I paid money to watch them! What is going on with movie makers, that they think we want to watch the same thing as real life only even duller? It seems like there are two kinds of movie these days, the unrealistic ones where people with superpowers fight invasions from outer space etc, and the realistic ones where people just sit there talking rubbish for no reason. I do not know why things have come to this but perhaps it reflects the extreme boringness of life that people are now noticing. On the other hand, I was going to visit a friend at the seaside this weekend but instead she is evacuating because of another hurricane on the way. But will they make movies about heroic hurricane rescues like they used to make about world war two? I am not sure. Even if they do, there won't be any comedy nazis in them.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
what is the difference between a celebrity and a car-accident? not much
Now we have the internet I cannot see why anyone would want to be famous as themself anymore, internet fame would allow you to buy as many groceries as you wanted and not have anyone rushing up to make sure you were you, or ask you to sign their underpants, or generally hang around staring in an embarrassing fashion. I suppose it would be difficult for actors and people like that as we would know their faces from their movies, although a disguise and change of hair-colour goes a long way, but plenty of people such as politicians could avoid showing their faces, in fact it would be a positive vote-winner I should think as most people hate looking at politicians already.
Anyway, people are always going on about why celeb magazines are bad because they make the youth of today try to be like britney or eminem, but I think this is false. The only reason people read celeb magazines is to gaze aghast at the horror of it all and be grateful it is not them. Working in a burger bar has to be preferable to the life of one of the olsen twins, what with the anorexia, drugs, awful clothes, being so short etc in my opinion. Celebrity magazines are rubbish because celebrityism is rubbish, but we should count our blessings quickly as we load our frozen food onto the checkout counter and then move on, rather than standing their with our jaws dangling on the floor.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
and do not suggest sending cappuccinos to the ethiopeans, it would be cold by the time it arrived
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
a word I hate to hear
"Iraq". It sounds like a one-legged one-eyed pelican. It sounds like Latin or ancient Greek for "negative". It sounds like the involuntary gasp that means "Punch me in the face right now so I can be rendered unconscious in a painful way". It sounds like someone suddenly throwing up a mussel they ate with the shell still on.
If they had just left it being called "Persia", which sounds like a mysterious godlike cat lounging on a beautiful magical carpet, everything would have been different, I am sure.
mission statement nightmare
Monday, September 12, 2005
lethal footwear, perhaps a new evolutionary way of destroying the stupid
The whole point of these shoes is you are not supposed to walk in them at all. They are for celebrities, who get driven around by chauffeurs and then carried into the Ocsars on sedan chairs. But people are too stupid to realise this. By people I mean women, men have never been dumb enough to risk their spinal health for the sake of awkwardness and pain, except for drag queens, but that is different and anyway I bet they put their trainers on to walk home afterwards.
I passed a woman on the street the other night who had fallen off her own shoes drunk, and there were all these men around sympathising and one of them actually offered her his shoes to wear instead. He kept saying they were Guccis and showing off. So maybe this is why the women do it, to get free shoes to sell on ebay afterwards. I assume the man was trying to impress his girlfriend, what with all the lesbianism these days men must be getting desperate for new ways to get girls to go to bed with them. But personally I would rather go into a nunnery than learn all these weird and horrible mating rituals, luckily I do not have to because I already have a husband and he is far too hot to let go of, but if I did not then I would definitely rather live with nuns than figure out all this stupid shoe stuff. I do have some high shoes in my wardrobe, but they are the sort that fit right and stay on your feet, because in my view a woman should always be able to kick an attacker in the crucial place and then run away fast at any time, just in case. It is shameful that all these years of feminism have not taught women one simple fact: being a pathetic arse is pathetic and arsey, not alluringly attractive.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
helping people is good, but getting off on helping people is quite sick
Anyway, what is pissing me off is the way the white people are so excited about helping the evacuees, just because they are black. I know it is just because they are black, because there is a list of things the helpers are circulating for people to donate for them, and it goes like this:
1. "books that are relevant for people of color"
2. "special hair products for people with hair of color, not your normal pantene stuff"
3. "multicoloured barettes for children's hair"
4. "the sort of food black people like, with kidney beans in"
5. "rap records"
6. "clothes that tone with dark skins"
Alright I am exaggerating a bit, but if there is one more picture in the local paper of our stupid mayor entertaining a circle of small poor needy black children at the refugee place by pulling a funny face and holding out a candy bar, I will throw up.
This is what I would put on the donations list:
3. places to live
Also, no more stories about poor stupid black old disabled people who keep wandering off in a daze because the big city is just too civilised and confusing for them. The place they came from was a big city! This is only a smallish town. For goodness sake! They have lost their homes and belongings and jobs already, they do not now need to be patronised by idiot white people as well. This modern form of racism makes me more annoyed than the old-fashioned murdering genocidal kind in many ways, at least that was honest.
telesales emergency on the horizon
But if the telesales people have finally realised their methods are a failure, I will lose my excuse and people will go back to objecting about not being answered. What I need is some new test excuses to try out before telesales people go the way of the squeegee people and stop existing, because that is sure to happen before very long.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
things to remember
However, it is also true that being miserable in comfort is a good idea. If you are going to be miserable, do not be miserable in hardship if possible, comfort makes misery a lot more enjoyable. It is a shame the people who just had their homes pulverized are not all rich, because if they were they could stay in posh hotels and read OK magazine and eat chocolate while waiting for the water to get cleared away. Instead many are going right out and getting new jobs, which is heroic even if it is the only way they can avoid starving, and I hope they get good jobs too so they can buy themselves nice things to cheer up with.
The most important thing about when you are miserable is avoiding horrible people however, and this costs no money at all. It is extremely important when you are having a bad day not to give into the urge to allow horrible people to enter your life, because obviously that is only going to make things worse. There is a widespread evil lie that if you are on your own you will be miserable and if you just get around other humans you will feel better, when on the whole the exact opposite is nearly always true. If you are on your own, then you can do what you want, such as reading OK magazine and eating chocolate, which is comfort and will make you feel better. If you have horrible people around on a miserable day, and most people are horrible, you will very probably end up committing murder. Committing murder leads to prison or execution and is therefore only slightly less useless than being murdered.
What all this proves is:
1. do not buy lottery tickets
2. if you are having a bad day, avoid people
Remember these rules, as they are very important.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
The usual pro-tree argument is of course oxygen, but winter completely destroys this argument. In the winter, trees are bare so they do not even provide oxygen! Certainly a few hollybushes and some large cacti would be enough, not to mention grass, which grows fine in the winter. I suppose their winter redundancy is what makes the trees step things up intimidation-wise over the winter, but it is time we saw through this charade by now. Chop them all down, and use them for firewood and improvised rafts. These days we all need a stock of both those things, unfortunately.
Monday, September 05, 2005
anti- Austro-Hungarian Empire holidaying prejudice
Actually, forget that, it is no fun at all. The point of these parts of Europe is that they are just different from the other ones. They have totally incomprehensible languages you cannot even read out with the wrong pronunciations, never mind pretend to be able to do "basic traveller" in. You just have to use sign language because if you even attempt to say fogadjisten or legnagyobb or árnyékától you could be hospitalised for weeks. They have strange food that is overwhelmingly boiled, with a lot of dumplings and a certain amount of salami. If you order a coffee you never know exactly what it is going to be like, sometimes it is from a vat of coffee stew that has been sitting on the stove for weeks and other times it is better than Italian coffee and much cheaper.
I was reading about some Hollywood people who shot a movie in Hungary, the one about the fairtytale-writing brothers, and the actress said she did not like filming there because the fod was bad in Prague. Prague is posh and incredibly wealthy compared to other places they could have been! The trouble with Americans is they are unadventurous and their standards are too high. I can understand this, it is nice being somewhere with every available comfort (until your town is destroyed by bad weather, in which case expect to get shot, apparently) but suffering is good for the soul. If Americans made more effort to tour Poland in the winter months, they would suffer more, and have better souls. Of course the same is true for everyone else as well, but I don't live anywhere else so I am less of an expert about those.
Friday, September 02, 2005
instead of complaining, they should do something useful, like mowing the lawn or washing dishes
But I have had absolutely enough of the people blaming everyone and everything except the actual weather. It is the army's fault, it is this or that local politician's fault, what did they expect, have they ever met any local politicians? most of them are either lawyers or do-gooders that used to be assistants in dogs' homes (no offense to Izzy, who is an unusually intelligent dog in any case) if they want politicians who can do more in an emergency than run around in circles and get interviewed then they need one of those old army people from Gulf War I the Prequel who knows how to deal with such things. It is the politicians' fault, or it is George Bush's fault, well obviously everything is George Bush's fault as he is the leader of the world, people blame him if their local store has run out of milk, and I suppose it is not surprising, also they blame him for not being legitimately elected as world president by the rest of the countries, but I am going off the point now.
It is the weather people's fault, the bus drivers, the looters, the desperate starving people just trying to get some Nikes to eat, or food even, the builders of the giant dome thing (what is it with domes these days? I wonder if that dome inventor reader is still here) the doctors, the police, I am getting repetitive strain injury now from typing this list so I must stop.
It was actually THE HURRICANE. Also, the hurricane has a name. It is called Katrina. So people should call her that, although I do not know if it is Mrs or Miss or Ms Katrina, but if they want to complain the address is:
Mrs/ Miss/ Ms Katrina
Thursday, September 01, 2005
art- it can be clever and amusing sometimes
Now, the big pile of bricks, I do not think that is clever or amusing at all. I think it is really dull. But on the other hand, there were some pretend African carvings of Macdonalds burgers, well I do not understand the joke but it is unexpected enough that I can see there must be a joke in there somewhere, so fair enough. Then there are gruesome arts, about serial killers and nazis, well I do not like those subjects therefore I am not going to go and see the art, so it doesn't bother me and I have no idea if it is clever or not.
But then there is the truly awful stuff, there are big huge ugly arts, there are irritating arts that make your eyes go funny, there are tedious boring arts such as poorly-made videos with no sound where hardly anything moves for hours, all of that is rubbish. And surely anyone can make boring ugly rubbish. So those are the artists who I do not understand how they got to be rich and famous. I have two ideas but maybe you have better explanations. My first idea is that they are in league with the devil, and my second idea is that some people are so deranged they actually like ugliness and tedium and these artists are exploiting those people on purpose, but I think that is a disgusting thing to do because it encourages them, and then the rest of us have to put up with even more of it, especially at dinner parties, not that I go to dinner parties anymore but I used to and they are full of people trying to find new ways to show off.
My second idea sounds more likely, except if it is true then there would be even more people doing it and one of them would have admitted they were lying all along, or perhaps that has actually happened and I missed it? I would not be surprised.